Michael Jackson is crying tears of joy in heaven tonight with news that his favourite sister is about to embark on the most anticipated comeback of the century. On Tuesday the 28th of July, La Toya will finally claim her rightful place at the forefront of popular music with the release of her first official US single in over a decade. "Home" is a touching ballad that perfectly showcases the stunning beauty of Toy Toy's voice. It's also a fitting tribute to Michael and will no doubt bring a lot of comfort to his army of mourning fans. It's official - iTunes is gonna get rocked!
As much as I love "Home" and wholeheartedly approve of it being released as a single, it isn't exactly new. In fact, I voted it the best song of 2006 in my end of year countdown! At the time I wrote:
To fully appreciate this song, it helps to know a bit about Toy's life story - that she married a psychotic gangster who beat her up, drugged her, cut her off from her family and generally made her a worldwide laughing stock. La Toya wrote this song about growing up with the Jacksons and missing them during her time in exile. The result is a bittersweet ballad, which is reminiscent of Michael's "Childhood" - only good.
I feel a bit bad about that final sentence now but I stand by it. "Home" stands toe to toe with anything her siblings have recorded. It's a tender love letter to Havenhurst and has only become more poignant in light of recent events. The line about missing Joker (Toy's nickname for Michael) is so incredibly sad. You can hear the new single edit over at Bungalow Records. I prefer the four and half minute version that leaked in 2006 but it's still a triumph. No comment on the toytastic artwork (above) though!
I really hope the song is treated fairly. Insecure Janet fans are already questioning the timing of Toy's comeback - calling it tacky and tasteless but as Michael would say, that's ignorant. While Damita Ho sits on her couch eating donuts and watching anal porn, La Toya has been bravely investigating the circumstances of her brother's death. It's only right that the family looks to her for solace in their time of need and hopefully "Home" does the trick. The 28th is still three weeks away, so check out this amazing promo in the meantime. Be warned, this footage has been known to generate explosive toygasms!
This was my 9th Pop Panel and I'm still no better at predicting winners. I thought this week's champion was a dark horse at best but the victorious diva kicked the competition to the curb and posted one of the highest scores in Panel history. It's a great song and a deserving winner but I'm not convinced it's quite as amazing as my fellow judges seem to think. Speaking of those hos, this week's Panel consists of:
In addition to those guys we also have a celebrity judge - Natalie from RAEN. I'm a big fan of the group and consider them one of the most underrated pop acts in Australia. The girls spent most of last year trying to crack the UK pop scene but have returned home to release their amazing debut album, which is currently available to download from iTunes. "After The Storm" is fantastic from beginning to end and includes their recent club smash "Honey" as well as their latest single "Drama Fanatic" (below). I'm slightly miffed at the absence of the amazing "Get Right Back" but the rest of the songs more than make up for it. Natalie tells me that the girls are gearing up for a national tour, so keep an eye on RAEN's myspace for more details. I can't wait to see them strut their stuff live! Here are the results in order from least to most popular:
A Romanian underwear model launches her music career with a little help from Basshunter.
Jay: Complete and utter fucking SHITE! I can't believe someone covered that shitefest to start with... and it is getting played on Clubland TV with irritating frequency. 0/5 John: I've heard this a few times, and it does not age well. The original's a Euro-pop classic, so any cover will pale in comparison. And what's up with the black light GaGa look? 1/5 Mike: Alina is a vision of class and elegance. I love her stunning vocodered vocals and the catchy O-Zone sample. They should give more Romanian hookers record deals! 4/5 Natalie: Basshunter's beats can make a track quite strong but there's nothing special about this remake. She gets a point for the neon. Gotta get some neon makeup for my next night out! 3/5 Rob: The United Nations have to ban this song from ever being sampled, covered or performed only unless its the original. Utter shit. 0/5 Paul: Isn't this essentially the same song that some weird boyband recorded a couple of years ago and the video was of them running around some plane? It's really not very good in this made for the masses boobs out dance genre, is it? The answer to that question is "no". 1/5 The Prophet: One of my favourite things in the world is glamour models becoming pop stars, but this sucks ass, and not in the good way. T.I. & Rihanna's Numa Numa sample in "Live Your Life" shits all over this trash. 0/5 Total: 9/35
X Factor reject Chenai covers Sarah Connor's "Bounce".
Jay: Stunning! With massive mammaries to rival the infamous DanniiBaps, some suitable talent in the video and a nice almost 90's vibe. 4.5/5 John: The vocals are okay, the track is kinda hot, but they don't mesh. Kind of a hot mess all wrapped up in a bad video. 2/5 Mike: A hideous destruction of Sarah's only international hit! Not impressed. 0/5 Natalie: Sorry but I prefer the original, and baby those melons are about to bounce out the door! 1/5 Paul: It's a testament to Chenai's personality and distinctive voice that an X-factor nut like me doesn't even remember who she is. And oh goodie, a dance cover of a song designed for the made for the masses boobs out dance genre. I am getting tired of these faceless tunes. I'm even starting to like Cascada. Sweet Jesus. 2/5 Rob: I'd much prefer the original singer release this in the UK however Chenai is okay. The video is amazing. Love it. 3/5 The Prophet: You must know that you've really hit the bottom of the barrel when you're covering Sarah Connor. 0/5 Total: 12.5/35
Jay: I could only endure 35 seconds of this aural turd - and as for the video, it is so desperately try hard, it makes Tranny CaCa look positively demure, understated and frumpy. 0/5 John: Why didn't he just call this "Major Tom (Coming Home), The Sequel"? It's okay, but it could have been great. He just got lazy. 3/5 Mike: Everything about this song is great except Patrick. Shame because the production is dazzling and the lyrics are fantastic. Maybe he should start writing for other people. 2/5 Natalie: Haven't heard of Patrick but a very original video & great special effects. Love the use of strings in this track. 3/5 Paul: Oh fuck. I really don't like Patrick, but I do like everything about this tune with one exception: His voice. It just doesn't work for me. It sounds pretty decent in the chorus but the tone of it grates on me. Quite good song though (I can see why he's pissed at La Poux) so overall. 3/5 Rob: There are cutting edge looks and looking like a bit of a prat. Patrick falls in-between the two. However only the video gives off that impression. The song itself is very good. It's held back by his voice but give "Hard Times' to Andreas Kleerup and he'd make it amazing. At the moment it stands too near the cliff labelled "trying too hard to be cool". 2/5 The Prophet: I hated the video with a passion but if I close my eyes and just focus on the music it's all good. The beat sounds like Britney's "Toxic" on acid. 4/5 Total: 17/35
Malena Gracia – Quiero Volar (Below)
Busty Spanish gay icon releases her latest club anthem.
Jay: Iconic! The video looks like cheap "Babe Station" erotica - and I was expecting the two blokes to start going at it hammer & tongs at any moment! A stunning slice of throw away Spanish Pop. 4.5/5 John: I might have liked it more if I hadn't watched the video. Not bad, but it sure ain't great. Even her dancers are middle-aged! 2.5/5 Mike: Madonna wishes she had one tenth of Malena's talent and beauty. 5/5 Natalie: Spanish vocals always seem to make a song sexier. Great vocals & a great rack to match! 3/5 Paul: Her sultry vocal style and the lush way the Spanish lyrics dance over the melody and bounce off the beats raise this up from generic club thumper (which certainly the backing track is) to quite enticing but not quite brilliant flamenco epic. 3.5/5 Rob: She gives Spanish europop a bad name. 0/5 The Prophet: This can't be serious. 0/5 Total: 18.5/35 Cobra Starship Ft Leighton Meester – Good Girls Go Bad (Video)
Gossip Girl star teams up with Cobra Starship for her pop debut.
Jay: MEH. Rather forgettable and sounds like Rihanna meets one SHIT wonders Bodyrockers. 1/5 John: I SO want to hate this song, but resistance is futile. 3/5 Mike: This sums up everything good about American pop at the moment. It's a collision of pop, rock, urban and electro elements with one hell of a catchy chorus. 4/5 Natalie: Leighton looks absolutely gorgeous and is a great singer. Looking forward to more from her, oh and I love her red shoes in the clip! 4/5 Paul: I'm surprised by how much I like this. It's quite the thrashy punk pop anthem that every now and then appeals to me greatly. And of course it has Blair Waldorf warbling along in a not displeasing way. OMFG!! 4/5 Rob: Autotune princess alert! Wow, this is so close to being good it's tragic. I think with time I'll start to see something qualitative in it but at the moment its like a focus group de-selected all the current smash hits in the charts and produced Good Girls Go Bad. As a consequence, every second sounds like a snippet of another song of the last 15 months. Its a monster of song but in the beautifully grotesque Frankenstein way. Its been pieced together from the caste-off pieces of other pop songs and gives off the odour of nasty death. 0/5 The Prophet: I was obsessed with this when it first leaked but the appeal wears off quickly. It's still a good and catchy electro pop-rock track though, and Leighton is pretty fierce even if she's jacking Holly Valance's swag (google 'Body Control'). 3.5/5 Total: 19.5/35
Jay: Whitney Binter needs to fuck off - I'm glad this has been removed so I don't have to endure this crack addicted vibrator loving train wreck and her shitefests. 0/5 John: Crack IS whack. It actually isn't that bad of a vocal, but she's a shadow of what she used to be. 2.5/5 Mike: The perfect comeback. It would have been ridiculous for Whitney to return with a love song or club banger. "I Didn't Know My Own Strength" is a musical letter of explanation to her fans. The lyrics sometimes sound like they were stolen from a Hallmark card but Whitney sings her heart out. I particularly love the subtle production. This could have easily been a hellish Leona Lewis scream-a-thon with a tacky Eurovision key change. Instead, it takes the high road and leaves the focus on Whitney's battered but still beautiful voice. As it should be. 4.5/5 Nat: I'm a massive Whitney fan and she has undeniably one of the best female voices of all time but this song is so cheesy! I hope the rest of the album is of better quality. 2/5 Paul: Hmmm. When I first heard this, i didn't hate it but I was grossly disappointed. It just didn't scream epic return to the top of the charts. I hate hate hate to say it but Whitters (which really should be her twitter name) should have come back with the last 2 PCD songs (J'Ai Ho and Hush Hush - they would have been even more massive whitneyfied) - that would have at least kept her somewhat relevant. However, the more I hear this, the more I am warming to it, and her crack addled voice now comes across as a smoky chantreuse sort of vibe. Hurrah. I re-like Whitters. 3.5/5 Rob: This has so much potential but fails to deliver the money shot. Its like the song itself "didn't know its own strength". There are moments when you expect it to go all Shirley Bassey but the drama never comes. Tragically. It has nearly everything else. Great lyrics. Powerful strings and wonderful beats. All that its missing is glorious key change after the middle eight. 2/5 The Prophet: Subtle, understated, powerful, emotional! Half-Whit shows ya'll how to be a REAL diva, and refuses to succumb to cheap pop trends like Mariah did. 5/5 Total: 19.5/35
The English language debut from Korea's biggest girlband.
Jay: Fabulous! I love almost everything about it and it craps all over VILE talentless trollops Hoez Afoul and the SaTURDays from an infinite height.Though the chorus could use a bit more bite. 4/5 John: The song's really good, but the second singer's vocal just killed the momentum. And two weeks in a row with the toilets? Come on! 4/5 Mike: I slightly prefer the original Korean version but the song is still sublime. "Nobody" is everything Girls Aloud tried and failed to achieve with "The Promise" - perfect retro pop with nods to The Three Degrees and The Shirelles. 5/5 Natalie: Surprisingly this has to be my favourite! I'm loving the Wonder Girls. A funny and clever video. The girls have great choreography and is quite a catchy song. 4/5 Rob: I am not impressed. This could be performed by absolutely anybody. There is a severe lack of character. Louise could have recorded this back in 1996. 0/5 Paul: The only element of wonder in the wonder girls is it is a wonder they even have a record contract at all. 1/5 The Prophet: This so one of those stupid insanely catchy songs that ends up being a massive smash, like Mambo #5 or something. Wonder Girls are my new obsession! 5/5 Total: 23/35
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Jay: Take that Beyawnsay and Smelly! You bitches ain't got no shit on LeToya (and probably on LaTavia or LaTisha or whatever her name was). Bonus points for the showering bloke in Zee Altugevvah! Reminds me of La Lopez back in her J Lo diva mode. 5/5 John: NOW we're talkin'. This is the hotness, even without a shower scene! 4.5/5 Mike: LeToya brings some old school diva attitude to the table with this jam. I love the hot beats and the fierce lyrics. I can't wait for her album. 4.5/5 Natalie: Liking the attitude.. but she ain't got shit on RAEN! LOL 2/5 Paul: Charming title aside, this is ok. I think it's fair to say this is probably the most different of the solo destiny tracks floating around this summer. 2.5/5 Rob: Finally something with a slick beat, rnb backdrop and electro echoes. Woah, she's even secured a catchy chorus. None of the other songs contain anything close to a remarkable catchy chorus. This is pop quality here. I love this. To be sure the lyrics are "ahem" but putting that aside every moment of this song contains new elements that make love it even more. If I could give it 6/5 i would! But I can't. 5/5 The Prophet: Kelly Rowland could never... Beyonce could never... All ya faves could never... 5/5 Total: 28.5/35
I seem to be doing a lot of interviews lately but this is definitely one of my favourites. Luciana is an incredibly versatile talent. Most people know her as the guest vocalist on massive dance hits by Bodyrox and Taio Cruz but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Luciana started out as a solo pop diva in the early 90s before joining Crush (of "Jellyhead" fame) later that decade. She then re-surfaced as the lead singer of rock band Shooter (Dawson's Creek fans will remember their hit "Life's A Bitch") and even helped to create her own musical genre with pioneering electro-punk group Portobella. Moreover, Luciana is pop's ultimate survivor. The diva has been dropped by more labels than Dannii over the past 15 years but she always comes back bigger and better than ever. Proof in point - she currently has two albums (a solo project and a collaboration with Bodyrox) awaiting release and a hot new single set to drop later this month. I loved hearing about the different stages of Luciana's varied career and feel like I've gained some insight into the brutal business of making music. I hope you enjoy it.
Let's start with your stint at Chrysalis Records in the early 90s. Songs like"Get It Up For Love"and"If You Want"are 90s pop gems. Do you have happy memories from that period? Yes, of course. This was my very first Record deal so it was all very new and exciting at the time. I moved to Battersea and lived alone for this period so parties and naughtiness came hand in hand. Happy days!!!
Tell us more about your debut album."One More River"is the only ballad I've ever heard you sing. I love it and the video defies belief. What do you make of the choir in the clouds now? I was 18 and very green about the whole music business so I was over the moon to get to do my first album with Anne Dudley of Art of Noise and got to co-write the album and the music with Anna Lee. Also getting to work with Danny D was utter fabulousness. The video for "One More River" was an amazing experience being up in those clouds. I can remember the feeling to this day. The set was just beautiful... the angels and heavens came down to earth that day to be in my video!
The next step in your incredibly diverse career was joining girlband Crush. I guess they are best remembered for "Jellyhead". Did you actually sing on that record? Well they asked me if I wanted to go on tour in America with Donna Air from Crush, so I said 'hell yeah'. It was laugh a minute with Donna, she's a riot girrrrl. I didn't sing on that single but I recorded songs for the album.
You completely reinvented yourself as a rock chick with the band Shooter."Life's A Bitch"is such an anthem, would you consider doing more rock in the future? I love the Shooter album so much. I'm so proud of what we achieved. I never say never to anything so who knows. I am always writing not just for myself but for other artists so yes to more rock!!! The important thing is to continue to write good songs, whatever the style.
The next step was forming Portobella."Covered In Punk"got so much hype - Did you think you'd finally found your niche? Is the group over or just on hold? Wow! Good question. I think this album was my first step into a more electro sound being that it was done with Michael Gray and Nick Clow. He wanted to do more song based stuff and I wanted to explore the dance world so it was a perfect meeting of minds. Again, I'm so very proud of this album. We got dropped from Island soon after so the album never really got to where it should have, but, this is the music business. It is what it is. The band disbanded and we moved on. I still write with Michael Gray on other projects.
Your big breakthrough was"Yeah Yeah"with Bodyrox. Did you think then that it would turn you into such a dance phenomenon? Not at all. You never know what will happen and this song came out of nowhere. I was stunned. Amazed. Gobsmacked. And of course, so happy. If you think I'd had 3 records deals and this particular song was the song that got to number 2..... I think the lesson I learnt here was to always remain flexible and open because you never know what's around the corner!! From this, Bodyrox and myself have just finished an album due for release in September.
"Bigger Than Big","Party Animal","I Wish You Would","What Planet You On"- all amazing dance collaborations. Do you have a favourite? I think one of my favs is "I Wish You Would" because that's my Ode to Jackie Stallone. It's the reason I'm singing in that American accent in the verses. Do you remember when she went on Big Brother? My friends and I spoke 'Jackie' for a week. The week I recorded "I Wish You Would"... isn't life funny!
Taio Cruz's"Come On Girl"was massive and you got to kiss a hot cop in the video. Result! Wouldn't it have been more fun to pash Taio? What does pash mean??? I'm confuzzled! He is adorable and very talented. I had mucho fun shooting that vid in LA.
Pash = kiss! "Featuring Luciana" compiles many of your collaborations with different acts. Do you think you'll ever release another album in your own name? Well, funnily enough, I got re-signed to Island Records and recorded an album for myself. If you go tomy Myspaceyou'll hear the songs. For me, this album is the pinnacle of what I am as a songwriter and artist. We did a gig at Hoxton Square, The Underbelly and it went down really well. The funny thing is, I've now been released from Island Records (I asked to be let go this time because it was clear that they really didn't know what to do with me ...the story of my life with record companies!!!) so here I was, with this great album, with no record company. What am I gonna do with these songs? It was then I decided to just do a gig!!! Just for me to sing my songs. Simple. No pressure, just sing. I had a ball... now we are finding a way to release them ourselves via myspace/iTunes. So they should be available soon. It's actually very freeing not being in a deal, just doing it yourself with your team around you. Without my team all these things wouldn't happen.
Your latest anthem"I Like That"is another corker. How did it come about? My old manager Clive Black hooked us up with Dennis White. Dennis already had the groove and I came up with the lyric/melody. This is one of my favourite songs since "Yeah Yeah". It's so raw I can taste the club dirt!
The video is amazing. Who came up with the concept? We, my team, Stephen and David Burgoyne storyboarded this video, hired a camcorder and shot throughout the day in different locations in London. Because Dennis and Richard are based in LA they wanted something intrinsically London. Also the idea was to make it Warholian in post production. Which is what they did. I love this video. It's so very simple and impactful. In fact, Shena (of the "Weekend" track) saw the video and want us to do one for her!! Fabulous.
I featured "I Like That" on myPop Paneland some of the judges criticised it for being "more of the same". How do you respond? Do you worry about being typecast as "the hot chick that features on great dance tracks"? I think the main is thing is if I like it, then I'm happy! If some people dont, then that's cool. You can't please everyone so just please yourself!
In the past you've mentioned submitting tracks for Kylie's "X" album. Did she demo any of them? At one point we had Kylie pencilled in to come in the studio which is in our house. That was funny! Didn't happen in the end. The tracks we did got down to the last 3 for her album but never came to fruition in the end. Like I said before, it is what is. You write the songs then you have to just let them go and hope something happens... otherwise this industry can eat you up... and because I work in it, you have to adapt to the fact that it's very up and down and things don't awlays go the way you'd want/expect. So don't expect... just write, write, write... then write some more!!!
What's next for Luciana? Can I suggest "One More River 2009"? I love the fact that you love that song!!! What's next??? Bodyrox album, releasing of my own material and this bacon sandwich I'm about to eat! Oh, Bodyrox is coming to tour Oz soon at festivals so watch out!!! Thanks Mike xxx
I never thought Taylor Swift would feature on this blog. It's not that I hated her, she just wasn't on my radar at all. I remember hearing her debut album a couple of years ago and mentally filed it away in my "crap country" drawer next to Kellie Pickler and Carrie Underwood. I didn't even bother listening to "Fearless" when it was released and basically forgot all about Taylor until "Love Story" swept all that came before it. That modern day interpretation of Romeo & Juliet was pretty hard to resist. Admittedly, the lyrics are cheesy enough to raise your cholesterol but you'd have to be made of stone not to be sucked in by all that teenage longing and heartache. More impressive was the song's ability to seamlessly blend country and pop elements in a way that hasn't been seen since the glory days of Shania Twain. As much as I enjoyed "Love Story", I thought it might have been a fluke until I heard "You Belong With Me". Has Shania finally been replaced as the Queen of country-pop?
Don't get me wrong, I love vintage Shania and I'm sure the old girl still has a few new tricks up her sleeve but it would be a miracle if she could come back from the career destroying "Up" debacle. That world music bonus disc is quite possibly the most heinous recording in the history of music! Thankfully, Taylor's here to fill the country-pop void left by the Canadian superstar. And she's doing it with ease if "You Belong With Me" is any indication. I love everything about this song. It's cute, catchy and totally authentic. I'm so sick of teenagers singing material that was clearly intended for 30 year olds. You can tell "You Belong With Me" was written by a teenage girl ("She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers") and that's a large part of what makes it so endearing. I also love the winning country-lite production. If you took away that jangly banjo line (not that you'd want to), I doubt this would even classify as country music.
I can't write about "You Belong With Me" without mentioning the amazing video clip (below). It's basically an 80s teen movie set to music. John Hughes would be proud of the storyline, which pits the school nerd against the popular girl (both played with surprising skill by Taylor) as they fight over the affections of the golden haired jock. Sure, it's a bit clichéd but the video is beautifully done and ranks as one of my favourite of the year. I've even been known to get a bit teary over the finale - this fabulous shit rivals "Pretty In Pink" in the downtrodden girl comes good stakes! "You Belong With Me" is already a top 5 hit in Australia. Download it now from iTunes or pick up the physical single from Chaos.
After a decade of massive hits in her native Estonia, "Keeping Score" represents Hannah's (not to be confused with our own legendary diva) first attempt at grabbing a slice of the UK pop pie. I featured the track on the Pop Panel a couple of weeks ago and the response was pretty mixed. Personally, I love "Keeping Score". It doesn't reinvent the wheel but it's a well crafted pop tune with a great little chorus and some killer remixes. There's something warm and uplifting about her music that really appeals to me. I couldn't wait to ask Hannah about that song, her forthcoming album and touring with Jason Donovan when I interviewed her recently. Check out what she had to say below.
Hannah, was it scary to start again from scratch in the UK?
It's always a bit scary to work in a different country to your own but it's very rewarding at the same time when you have some success.
Your music has a more organic sound than most Europop divas. Will you continue with that or have you made a conscious decision to embrace the dance genre?
I plan on doing my music and finding new fans in lots of different genres – I had a big hit in the US dance charts in 2002 so it's really cool to be doing dance music again and being part of its major rebirth.
Was giving Beyoncé a run for her money on the club chart with "Keeping Score" completely unexpected?
Totally! It's great that "Keeping Score" is hitting the right spot in the clubs right now and I was so proud to see it chart and am so grateful that people like it.
Is that track reflective of the rest of your album? I understand you've collaborated with some amazing writers and producers.
I've been very lucky to collaborate with some amazing writers and producers – I had no idea I would be that fortunate to work with the amazing Steve Robson who co-wrote "Shine" for Take That or the legendary Steve Booker who worked with Duffy on "Mercy". You have to remember I'm just a young girl and these people are really brilliant and the fact that I could get to work with them was even more amazing. I read that you toured the UK with Jason Donovan. What was that like? Did he ever drag you on stage to sing "Especially For You"?
We had great fun touring the UK – Jason was really easygoing and friendly towards me and I loved every second of being on tour in the UK and performing and then meeting the public. That's the best bit. No "Especially For You" though! I saw him again recently in Priscilla Queen of the Desert which is on in London's West End and there were lots of Kylie jokes, very funny!
You mentioned re-recording"Blinded"as a duet. I love that song. Can you tell me who your duet partner is?
Not yet. It's all a bit secret at the moment as we are still working through stuff for it but I can't wait to give it a new flavour and new style for the dance floor. Just watch this space as I hope we can tell you soon.
Will there be any old tracks on your new album?"You & I"is so beautiful.
No it’s all brand new – we might add a bonus track though, that’s not a bad idea, thank you!
I saw the photos of your dogs onMyspace. As a crazy dog person, I can't resist asking about their age and breed.
They are amazing Akitas – and they’ve just had 8 puppies. It was beautiful and a little crazy for a while at home looking after them and eventually finding them good and loving homes.
Thanks for your time. I really hope the album takes off!
Thank you.
"Keeping Score" was released in the UK on Monday. Download it now from iTunes, 7digital, HMV or Tunetribe. The Riffs & Rays remix is now available on Australian iTunes.
This week's Pop Panel was a lot of fun. I decided to shake things up by throwing some obscure international pop acts into the mix and it was great to see how well they were recieved. If nothing else it proves that good music is universal. That's particularly true of our winners. Yes, we have a tie! I love both songs but there can only be one "Single Of The Week", so I picked an outright champion. I hope the rest of the Panel doesn't mind! Speaking of which, this week's judges are:
Unfortunately, D'Luv and Pablo have taken the week off but I've managed to round up some worthy replacements. Some of you might already know David, the fabulous exhibitionist who writes Cobrastyle (yes, that is his bulge). He's one of my favourite Spanish bloggers despite his obsession with Rachel Stevens. Our other guest judge is Tommie, who is a former Dannii's Dirty Box contributor. The Swedish bitch can now be found trolling music forums like Togerland and Pop Justice. Sadly, he doesn't have any crotch shots to share. On that classy note, here are the songs ranked from least to most popular:
Not to be confused with the Dutch Queen of Dance, Elize. This Massive Attack cover is currently burning up the club charts.
David: I have mixed feelings when a great song is turned into a dance track. It's cheap and low brow but I guess its main audience will love it. I found it extremely boring. This is not particulary fun to dance to. Believe me, I tried. 1/5 Mike: The remixes are fantastic but this edit is a bit unfortunate. I just wish Eleze would cover something a bit less iconic next time. 3/5 Paul: Ah the elusive "video not available in your country due to copy right restrictions" which puts me off her a bit before I even hear the song. Tracked it down. Wished I hadn't. 2/5 Rob: Boring. 1/5 The Prophet: There's nothing I hate more in this world than High NRG covers of old songs (I'm looking at you Cuntcada). I can't believe she covered and destroyed Massive Attack... stupid bitch! 0/5 Tommie: I was a bit afraid to listen to this as I worship the original, but this isn't as much of a nuclear disaster as I assumed it would be. Stick the original vocals on it and it would make a good remix! 3/5 Total: 10/30
The Lady GaGa sound has now officially infiltrated Sweden.
David: The Gaga similarties are the only thing we can really comment on. I think it's way too soon for the music industry to capitalize and mutate the Lady Gaga sound into something worth mentioning. 0/5 Mike: The brunette looks like she'd knife you for breathing on her. It's all a bit cheap and derivative but I like their skankiness and can't wait to hear their next low brow anthem. 2.5/5 Paul: I once knew a lesbian called Kaz (who looks like BB10's Lisa) who had those piercings all over her face. People may say this takes the Lady Gaga sound but isn't it really taking the sound of Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" and Wynter Gordon's "Surveillance"? Which is what the GG stole anyway. That doesn't really summarise the song - sorry! It's only ok. 2.5/5 Rob: I remember seeing Kick perform at last year's Gay Pride in Sweden. Back then they were pretending to be R'n'B chicks. Now they've gone all Lady GaGa making them appear somewhat like a bitchier Lucky Twice which is okay but I think they have the potential to be more bad ass. Nice work girls but next time try a lot harder. 2/5 The Prophet: Absolute scum of a pig. Where the fuck did you find this trash? How dare this chorus be catchy! 2.5/5 Tommie: Due to the desperation and skankitude of this track, I feel like I should love it a bit more than I do. But I don't. 2/5 Total: 11.5/30
Single number two from Ciara's floptastic "Fantasy Ride".
David: The original was one of the few things I rescued from the album and it didn't need Missy Elliott to, ahem, work and I feel the need to say "shut up and let the song play" every time she appears. The fact is with no visual support it sounded like "black" Britney and her Danja-"Blackout" sound, with the video I thought of Janet's inheritance to earth (and Britney Spears must be one of them), Lady Gaga's stylist and even Beyoncé's weird dance routines and Pussycat Dolls' cheap lapdance. I don't know if it's a compliment. 3/5 Mike: Ciara has made a career jackin' Beyoncé's swagga and this is probably her most blatant act of thievery yet. Strippers will be flashing their tits to "Work" for years to come but I don't think that's going to save the poor man's Sasha Fierce taking a one way fantasy ride to Flopsville. 2.5/5 Paul: Hideous outfit in the video. And the song is pretty dreadful. That's not a chorus that's a dog barking. Ooo look, there's Missy Elliot. I rest my case. Yuck. Give me the Saturdays "Work" anyday. 1/5 Rob: There's so much potential in this but it doesn't quite 'work'. The video is amazing but the song sounds so 2002. 2/5 The Prophet: With one swing of her weave she makes all ya faves redundant! The weave spin at 3:30 defines me as a person... All ya faves could never. 5/5 Tommie: I'm not a huge Ciara fan, but this makes me feel a bit toppy Pete. It's a lot of noise, but enjoyable energetic noise. 3/5 Total: 16.5/30
VV is hoping for a hit to match the endless blog hype!
David: Her visual concepts are amazing, so amazing they don't match with the songs because the level is so high. I just wish I lived in a world where someone like her could live from her music and could sell more records than Duffy. Let's all close our eyes and let the summer sunshine burn all the bad memories away. I love it. 5/5 Mike: This poor bitch is suffocating in her own hype. VV's got talent but she's not the second coming. Having said all that, "Shark In The Water" is by far the best thing she's ever put her name to. There might be hope for her yet! 3.5/5 Paul: When will the amazing VV be as massive as, uh, Little Boots? Love this song, great guitar led verses, sweet wailing in the background before a killer chorus about a shark in the water. This really should have been sung by Deborah Gibson for her mega shark movie theme. Aces. 4/5 Rob: Heavy with cliches, I've tried my best to fall in love with VV Brown but 'Shark In the Water" is all mouth and no trousers. For sure there's a melody in there, however, she refuses to truly convey any emotion that the lyrics demand the singer own. This is about tragedy and heartbreak. Instead, VV Brown sings the song like she's trying to remember her times-tables. Very disapointing. 1/5 The Prophet: I really like VV but she's actually not as amazing as everyone makes out, or at least her songs aren't. That doesn't include "Shark In The Water" though, which is fucking amazing. VV is all things stunning and fabulous! 4.5/5 Tommie: I keep hearing and hearing and hearing about this girl and yet she never seems to live up to the hype. Stop obsessing about this girl bloggers, she ain't that good and "Shark In The Water' is average! I'm giving this a zero in protest. 0/5 Total: 18/30
Queensberry – Too Young (Above)
Germany's 2nd biggest girlband strike again.
David: The beginning made me think of Israeli pop about some yidish fag getting laid. The chorus made me think of midnineties summer singles that flirted with the Ibiza sound. Nice. 3/5 Mike: These German stunners show the UK slappers how it's done! I love the big chorus and the ever so slightly over the top synths. Consider No Angels officially kicked to the curb! 4/5 Paul: I quite like this. They do get a bit screechy in the chorus, but it's forgiveable. It's very generic pop though, which probably isn't for me. I like new things introduced slowly (except in the sack obviously, where i'm quite the whore). 3/5 Rob: No Angels, their rivals, will have to up their game when they comeback as "Too Young" is amazing. 5/5 The Prophet: It's so funny to think that there's all these random girl groups existing in other countries we've never heard of but they're really big in their homeland. Anyways I don't expect to hear from them anytime soon since they're scum trash. 2/5 Tommie: Am I the only one who thinks of dingleberries when I hear the name Queensberry? No? Just me then? Anyway, it's the usual radio fodder. Not horrible by any means, but nothing special either. 2/5 Total: 18.5/30
This local talent has been making waves for some time. "Friday" is her 2nd single.
David: Nice song but there's nothing catchy about it, I guess it could work with persistence but I can't be bothered. It's nice enough. On the other hand, the video is amazing. But let's just keep this shit about the music. 2/5 Mike: Shelley's last single was great in an incredibly depressing kind of way but thankfully this is a little more upbeat. I really hope "Friday" takes off. It would be nice to hear something this subtle and pretty on the radio. 4/5 Paul: Ooo acoustic sounding girl poetry pop. Now this is right up my street. I'm really liking this - such a pretty melody and a nice lilith fair production value. Yes, i'm quite loving this thank you very much. 4/5 Rob: Nice, if somewhat dull. 3/5 The Prophet: Hmm acoustic indie-pop, my second most hated genre. With that said I have to admit that I love this whimsical little tune, very cute! 4/5 Tommie: I usually get off on this type of indie pap, but this is just generic and after three listens I wouldn't be bothered if I never heard it again. 2/5 Total: 19/30
The lead single from Nelly's forthcoming Spanish album.
David: Don't misunderstand me - "Loose" is a tremendous album, the biggest slice of pop of its year that smashed the competition and fucked real hard on the ass of its supposed big brother "Futuresex/Lovesounds" but it wasn't a Nelly Furtado album. With some lessons learned Nelly Furtado comes back with an amazing song, that lyricaly brings her back to her "Folklore" days but with an updated sound. Gorgeous song, will do well. 4/5 Mike: As much as I loved "Loose", it's great to have the real Nelly Furtado back. "Manos Al Aire" is stunningly lovely and continues to grow on me every time I hear it but why isn't she singing in Portuguese? 4/5 Paul: It's alright. Unlike the Shakira single, it doesn't really set my world on fire. It's a throwback to the more tribal Nelly F of days gone by before Timbaland got his grubby mitts on her. Overall semi-pleasing. 3/5 Rob: This is sweet and I expect it'll be a massive hit in Spain. 3/5 The Prophet: I stan for Nelly so I'm almost guaranteed to love this by default. It's just a safe radio pop/rock track, but she did a great good job for the type of song that it is. It's no "Onde Estas" but it'll do for now. 4/5 Tommie: Oh look. Madonna just got another song to rip-off on her "To Steal" list. Really nice. 3.5/5 Total: 21.5/30
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Chae Yeon – Shake (below)
Chae is Korea's most controversial star. This video was banned in her homeland for erotic dancing and for depicting someone on the toilet.
David: I guess Asian people think the same about this song I think about Guru Josh project or Tom DeBoxer type of songs. 0/5 Mike: Chae is the hottest bitch in the K Pop game and this is ten kinds of fabulous! I love the tacky rap, amazing (sub-titled) lyrics and catchy chorus. "Shake" is so much fun, it puts all her English speaking counterparts to shame. 5/5 Paul: well, there is never any need to showcase anyone on the loo because it's entirely vile. And while I didn't like the generic club beat, it had totally won me over by the chorus. Her voice is quite pretty too. English subs were hilarious! 3.5/5 Rob: Wow. This could be a Korean remixed version of Kylie's rave classic "Do You Dare". Love it. 4/5 The Prophet: She's hideous, but I love how slutty the chorus is so it gets a good score from me. 4/5 Tommie: The music video looks like it was filmed on a cellphone, the girl looks like she's about to say "sucky sucky 10 dollahs love u long time" and the song reminds me of something else. I LOVE it. Close the panel, this is the winner! 5/5 Total: 21.5/30
I firmly believe anything Kylie can do, Dannii can do better. Well, with the obvious exception of being successful and having hits. However, there's another chink in Dannii's otherwise fabulous armour - her B-sides, more specifically her lack thereof. Earlier this year I wrote a long post about Kylie's amazing pop offcuts and thought it was about time I did the same for the younger Minogue. Unfortunately, they are harder to find than Dannii's dignity. I count 10 meagre tracks over her 20+ year career, 12 if you count the bonus interview on "Success" and Album megamix on "I Begin To Wonder" (which I don't). It's suddenly clear to me why Dannii always has 35 shitty remixes and no B-sides. The tight bitch has been stockpiling them for her endless string of budget compilations! Anyway, I've decided to order these decidedly slim pickings from best to worst. Here goes:
1. Someone New ("Coconut" - 1998)
"Someone New" isn't just my favourite Dannii B-side, it's one of the best songs she has ever recorded. Everything about this dance anthem is completely epic, from the running time to the spectacular production. Despite coming in at nine and a half minutes, the Green/Masterson penned track never sounds like a remix. Instead, it perfectly blends dance and pop elements. I particularly love the little splashes of piano and the ruthless way the track keeps building and building. I remember reading about "Someone New" being the possible lead single from "Girl" before the album was even released, so I'm mystified as to why it was left off altogether outside Japan. It's an amazing track that would have made a great album even stronger.
2. Feel Like I Do ("So Under Pressure" - 2006)
In my opinion this is the saving grace of Dannii's sorry stint at AATW. Unlike most of the music she released at the house that K Lo built, "Feel Like I Do" isn't watered down dance trash. JCA and Hannah Robinson delivered a meaty pop gem that was the logical progression from "Neon Nights" - dark and dirty pop with killer beats and an almost haunting chorus. I think JCA always bring out the best in Dannii and I hope she considers working with him again if she ever comes out of retirement.
3. Hide & Seek ("I Begin To Wonder" - 2003)
Can someone please build me a time machine so I can go back to 2002 and re-live the "Neon Nights" era? It was so perfect, it almost feels like a dream. The music, the artwork and Dannii's hair - all faultless. The magic even extends to the B-sides. While "Nervous" and "Goodbye Song" are favoured by most fans, I slightly prefer "Hide & Seek". It's such an odd little pop song with its Eastern influences, strange chanting and minimal chorus. The track was probably a bit too abstract for "Neon Nights" but it's definitely one of the most interesting tracks Terry Ronald and Ian Masterson have created for Dannii.
4. It's Time To Move On ("This Is It" - 1993)
This is probably the hardest Dannii B-side to come by given that it has never been released on CD or as a digital download. The "Early Years" fiasco could have remedied that situation but the song was conspicuously absent from the tracklist before the album sold out on iTunes. A couple of years ago a friend ripped me a copy from my "This Is It" cassingle and I've really warmed to it. Unlike many fans, I love Dannii's crazy mid-90s experiments and this is a corker. "It's Time To Move On" is a fairly typical 90s dance track with some subtle R'n'B elements to give it an American sound. It's fairly dated but I love Dannii's vocals and the chorus is very cute. This is better than many of the tracks that made it on to "Get Into You".
5. Nervous ("I Begin To Wonder" - 2003)
I was obsessed with this Ronald/Masterson gem when I first heard it. I think I've played it several hundred times too often over the past few years and have grown a bit tired of it. However, of all the "Neon Nights" B-sides, this is the only one that would have seamlessly slotted into the album. I love the slightly darker dance sound and the chorus has real bite. "Nervous" has an edge that makes it stand out from the crowd. It's depressing to think that a song this good couldn't even make the cut a couple of years ago while noise pollution like "Touch Me Like That" is now considered singleworthy.
6. No Secret ("This Is The Way" - 1993)
I ache for Dannii's mid-90s R'n'B phase and this trashtastic urban jam is fairly typical of the period. It's not quite as charming as "It's Time To Move On" but I love the tinny beats and the cheesy chorus. Maybe it's time for New Jack Dannii to stage a comeback?
7. Goodbye Song ("Don't Wanna Lose This Feeling" - 2003)
The third of the "Neon Nights" B-sides produced by Terry Ronald and Ian Masterson is something of a camp classic. I love the bitchy lyrics ("I've got more to say to the girl who does my nails" and "I think I've got a moment in 2029") and the loopy production but the chorus is MIA. That said, this is still a great little pop song and indicative of the creative high that Dannii and her collaborators were riding at the beginning of the decade.
8. Hallucination ("Jump To The Beat" - 1991)
I'm not even sure this technically qualifies as a B-side. Was the US CD single an official release or just a promo? Anyway, I'm not exactly spoiled for choice so I'm including it. Most fans will be familiar with this from "The Remixes" - the remixed greatest hits package (don't laugh) with the wonky nose on the cover. That version is labelled the "LA Mix" but I can't tell any difference between it and the original. Speaking of LA Mix, that dance outfit wrote and produced "Hallucination". This is probably the wildest thing Dannii recorded in the early part of her career. It's kind of like a poor man's "Do You Dare?" only with a whispered rap. It's very quirky but a lot of fun.
9. Est-Ce Que Tu M'Aimes Encore ("I Begin To Wonder" - 2003)
This is a tough one. The original is one of my all time favourite Dannii tracks but the French language version doesn't quite sound right. In fact, it's almost as clunky as Kylie's French version of "Confide In Me". On the other hand, I'm a sucker for foreign language versions of pop hits and I listen to this quite frequently. It definitely has novelty appeal!
10. I've Been Waiting For You ("Perfection" - 2005)
The B-side to "Perfection" is curiously underwhelming. I love Terry Ronald and Ian Masterson but this just sounds tired - like every other faceless dance track being churned out of AATW. The production is a bit flat, the chorus doesn't quite click and Dannii could be reading from the phone book, she sounds so disinterested. Kind of sums up the entire AATW era really.
Bonus Track
I Don't Wanna Take This Pain (Saxtrumental) ("I Don't Wanna Take This Pain" - 1990)
This doesn't really count as a B-side but I re-discovered it recently when I was going through my Dannii collection. The "saxtrumental" version was only released on vinyl and is one of the trashiest things I've ever heard. Think Kenny G covering "I Don't Wanna Take This Pain" and you get the picture. I recommend hunting this down for comedic value alone!
Every now and again you hear a song and think they get me. That's how I felt the first time I heard "I Am Not A Robot" by Marina & The Diamonds. It perfectly sums up how I've been feeling lately - overwhelmed and suffocated. As much as I loved the song, I had a sneaking suspicion that Marina might be a bit too cool for me. I don't read NME, can't fit into skinny jeans and would rather listen to La Toya than La Roux. As it turns out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Marina's music is quirky but it's still pop and positively oozes beautiful melodies. When she surprisingly agreed to an interview, I thought I should dig a bit further and stumbled across her blog. The more I read, the more I loved her. Marina is so raw, funny and uncompromisingly honest. This post is one of the best commentaries on the music machine that I've ever read. So what do you ask such a maverick? Read on to find out.
1. Hearing "I Am Not A Robot" for the first time was like being tea-bagged by Jesus. I felt like I had been touched by greatness. Did you realise it was special when you wrote it?
Yes. Because I was cringing as I wrote it as I was having to be really uncomfortably honest. Yuck/yikes.
2. I guess the lyrics are open to interpretation. What's it all about?
About pushing yourself too hard and as a result getting miserable/unproductive and not achieving anything in the end. About not being good enough. About trying to be good enough. About (cringe) an endless battle against yourself and the inherent self loathing that lies within all of us (it happens to all of us at some point in our lives - no point trying to deny it and going all hippy "self lurve" etc etc).
Robyn also has a song out about robots at the moment but it's a bit shit in comparison.
I love that song. It's weird there are 3 songs out at the moment about robots. It wasn't intentional. I wrote the song a long while ago. How embarassing.
3. The video is startling. Was it fun to make? Every tranny in Sydney will be after that sequined lipstick!
It was one of the best days that I've had in the past 5 years. Dreams turning into reality. The black oil giltter took 40 minutes to strip/scrape off. My skin was in rashes after the shoot.
4. I love reading your blog because you're so scathing. Are there any celebrities that you actually approve of?
Oh yes. Plenty. I am just a cynic and see badness in everything. I'm sure people have plenty of criticisms about me or WILL HAVE.
I think I open my mouth as I feel disappointed with most people or feel like I am on my own/can't find people who think along same lines as me. General perception of world = we all seem to be prioritizing the wrong things. No family values, style over substance reigns supreme in everything, etc etc. See? am nothing but a cynic. Maybe if I changed my ways I would not be disappointed with self/life.
5. Do you get sick of the comparisons with Kate Bush? I guess it's better than being compared to someone vile like Kate Nash. Who are you biggest influences?
Kate Bush is a most flattering comparison so will not say anything. I didn't really listen to music until 19 so my knowledge is limited. Sometimes I state Kate Bush as an influence just to please people as I know that is what they want to hear. In reality I love the Distillers, Patti Smith, PJ Harvey, Daniel Johnston and vintage No Doubt.
6. Yourlive coverof "What You Waiting For" is brilliant. Can you please stick it on your next single as a B-side?
Oh ok.
7. The continued success of Girls Aloud is a sure sign that the apocalyspe is nigh. True or false?
Hmm. False.
8. Who are the Diamonds? I've read that they're not a band but your fans.
The Diamonds are the fans. I wanted/always wanted this to be a collective experience. I am a solo artist so it can't really be a band I'm referring to.
9. What do you make of music blogs and their role in the greater music machine? You've received a lot of online loving.
Their role = picking up on music 8 years before the masses and spreading the good stuff. I like blogs. Fact.
Marina's EP "The Crown Jewels" is out now in the UK. It features the amazing "I Am Not A Robot" (below) and is available to download from iTunes. There's no news about an Australian release as yet.
I've been excited about Shakira's new album for months and if the lead single is any indication, it's going to be well and truly worth the wait. "La Loba" (the Spanish version of her comeback song "She Wolf") leaked yesterday and I've been listening to it non-stop ever since. In one fell swoop, the Colombian diva has kicked all the pretenders to the curb with her quirky pop genius. While Madonna desperately jumps on the latest bandwagon and Kylie happily treads water by working with the likes of Xenomania, Shakira continues to take huge risks. "La Loba" is a genuinely odd track that juxtaposes lush disco beats with sleek electronic bleeps. It should be a complete disaster but in a dazzling slight of hand, Shakira makes it work.
A lot of people are describing the song as a massive departure but to a certain extent "La Loba" picks up where "Timor" left off. However, unlike Shakira's curiously upbeat anti-war anthem, "La Loba" doesn't hint at disco. It is disco. The song is so authentic I can almost see the mirror balls and smell the poppers! Part of me wishes she left out the electronic elements altogether but they do add another layer to the track. I'm not sure who produced "La Loba" but they deserve a lot of credit. The swirling strings are sublime and that killer bassline is an almost animalistic call to the dancefloor. This is so good, I almost don't want to hear the English version. Check out Shakira's stunning comeback below:
It's been a dark couple of days with Michael Jackson's tragic death casting a long shadow over blogland. It almost feels disrespectful to be writing about anything else but I'm hoping the trashy antics of the Pop Panel will help cheer us all up. I'm really excited about our winner but I think a couple of great acts were given a rather unfair battering. Before we get into that, I'd like to thank everyone who took part in Aus-pop Week. It was a fun experiment and I hope to repeat it in the not too distant future. However, the usual suspects return this week for more mayhem. The Panel consists of:
I'm excited to announce that we also have a fabulous celebrity judge! The incredibly glamorous Courtney Act has kindly agreed to be the delicate rose between our thorns and assist in the search for a worthy single of the week. In case you've been living under a rock, Courtney is the most successful drag queen in Australian Idol history and subsequently became the first contestant to score a record deal with Sony. The result, "Rub Me Wrong" (below), was a stunning top 30 hit and remains a cult classic to this very day. Courtney was kind enough to answer a few questions before getting stuck into voting.
Courtney, it's been 5 long years since "Rub Me Wrong" revolutionised pop music as we know it. What do you make of the track today? I still hear it out occasionally! HA! I feel your tongue is firmly planted in your cheek with that one, Mike. It is a little tricky to be objective. I always thought it was a good sounding pop track. Perhaps a little too serious for me at the time. It is camp when it pops up on the Stonewall juke box, or someone says they heard it at the gym. On Saturday night at Starfuckers a girl told me she brought the single in Japan! With Japanese writing on it and all! I have to get me a copy of that!
I know you've been working on your next musical triumph for a long time. How are things progressing? Well, I was planning on heading to London in April, but then I broke my leg skiing in Whistler so that put a hold on things. I will be in the UK in a few weeks, but only for a quick trip. I still plan on moving there next year... but alas... that is a whole year away.
I'm sure it will be worth the wait! In the meantime, you're the new Queen of Sydney nightclub Disgraceland. What can punters expect from your fabulous show? There is always something different at Disgraceland. Every week we have a new theme and a new show. So far we have had food fights, strip poker, spin the bottle and all sorts of antics. To have such a pumping club night through the winter has been amazing. Tim Duggan and I will be over in Europe for a few weeks gathering ideas and inspiration for this summer at Disgraceland.
Enjoy your trip and thanks again for honouring the Panel with your presence! Here are the results in order from least to most popular.
The UK's Queen of dance returns with another floorfiller.
Courtney: I quite like this! It has a great build up that really drives the track. It also has highs and lows, so it doesn't feel too monotonous. 4/5 D'Luv: If this were 2002 and we were in some grimy basement club in New York's East Village at 4 a.m. drinking piss-warm beer, this would sound amazing. But we're not. And it doesn't. 0/5 Mike: Luciana is obviously too classy for the riff raff on this Panel - Courtney excepted! "I Like That" is another in a long line of amazing dance anthems that have benefited from the UK diva's glorious vocals. I can't wait to hear this in a club. 4/5 Pablo: Too noisy for me. This song would go top 10 in Spain, for sure, as a tone for mobiles. Not mine, of course. 0.5/5 Paul: When the music started I didn't want to like it, as it's not my sort of song. It's the reverse of how I feel about Cascada - I really like the verses but not keen on the (practically non-existent) chorus. Can't someone talented take the verse of this and put it to the chorus of "Evacuate"? 2/5 Rob: Betty Boo wants her music back. I dislike this soulless dance track immensely. 0/5 The Prophet: Horrible. I don't even listen to much dance music but I feel like I've heard this song a billion times before. It's so "level 2 Stonewall". 0/5 Total: 10.5/35
The legendary porn star takes pop to the next level with this Hi-NRG REM remake.
Courtney: I think he has said Too Much. I think the track is actually ok, but the clip ruins it a bit for me. I understand his history of being a porn star but I feel the clip could have been given 50% less and delivered 100% more. 3/5 D'Luv: Doll, you're scrapin' the barrel this week. 1/5 Mike: I love Colton's music. He's like the male Amber - only better! "Losing My Religion" was always going to be a difficult song to cover but he does a good job. And I disagree about the video. Colton should go completely X rated next time with a double penetration extravaganza. The haters are never going to give him a break, so he might as well have fun! 4/5 Pablo: Sorry, I can't stand this song. Really. I'm not going to waste my precious time listening to any version. 0/5 Paul: People have obviously paid for moulds of his cock and to see him licking cum out of another man's arse, so I can't see why they wouldn't spend their pennies on hearing him sing. I certainly won't be though. This is not very good in the slightest. It's sad when porn stars get old. Stick to being bound and gagged Colton, it makes your music so much more bearable. 1/5 Rob: Terrible. Dean Monroe (another gay porn star turned popstar) has put out a brilliant pop song recently. Original and fabulous. This is trite and contrived. I hate. And I love it too. I hate that I love it. 4/5 The Prophet: Colton's cover of Britney's brilliant hidden gem "Trouble" is a guilty and extremely shameful pleasure of mine but I cannot and will not endorse this Hi-NRG REM cover. I promise all jokes aside that I almost started CRYING from seeing this and I HAD to turn it off. It's the absolute worst thing that I have ever seen in my whole life and it's scarred me more than the time I accidentally saw somebody fisting up to their shoulder on monstercocktube.com. This almost makes me hate music altogether and I REFUSE to rate this unless I can give it a MINUS SCORE. If this wins I am 100% resigning from the Pop panel. 0/5 Total: 13/35
Courtney: The phenomenon of the girl group is so fascinating. I think we should start idolizing their producers and creators. It is really hard to vibe anything from the girls, even Lady Gaga, who we now know is undeniably supreme took a while to break out of the mould of manufactured pop starlet. A mould that these girls seem to fit far too well. Rather than liking the group we should follow the people behind them. Is Peter Lorraine behind these girls too? 3/5 D'Luv: Brilliant! It's like Bananarama got in a time machine and f'd their way to 2009. Sorry, Girls Aloud—it's all over. 4/5 Mike: Utterly foul. These clowns make Stonefoxx look like the Sugababes. 0/5 Pablo: Since the Spice Girls, no girlband has been as successful. Since Girls Aloud, no girlband has such a trademark sound. Sorry, no offence but it's like that. This song is so great but Girls Aloud could have made it ten times better. Fact. 4/5 Paul: Dreadful name of the band (not as bad as rape sounding No Means Yes). Dreadful song title that sounds like it came from an oral sex instruction manual. Fairly decent song that had I written this review on time would've scored much lower but has grown on me over the week. 3.5/5 Rob: When the likes of Pussycat Dolls are releasing amazing songs like "Hush Hush", girlbands really have to up the ante. A nice addition to pop world but Australian girlband Raen have been doing this sort of thing and a lot better too. 2.75/5 The Prophet: I saw this fucking shit earlier in the week. Do these nobodies actually expect some level off success with this? To be honest it's actually not THAT bad, but groups like All Saints, Spice Girls, Atomic Kitten, Girls Aloud, and the Sugababes have all set the bar so high that I expect nothing less than perfection from newcomers vying for the girl group crown. 0.5/5 Total: 15.75/35
One of the most hyped acts of 2009's latest attempt for chart glory.
Courtney: Meh. Didn't do much for me. I found her very hard to understand so I did not connect with the lyrics that well. 3/5 D'Luv: Tori Amos wants her pussy back. 0/5 Mike: Florence tries way too hard but underneath all the pretense and team of stylists is a great songwriter. The intro is a bit dull but when the chorus kicks in, "Rabbit Heart" turns into an unexpectedly joyous pop tune. I'm giving Flo the benefit of the doubt for the moment. 3.5/5 Pablo: What is Nicola Roberts doing in another video? It's too "Louis XVIII" for me. It goes in one ear and out the other. 1/5 Paul: It's the craziness of Kate Bush mixed with the kookiness of Bjork. At first it sort of meanders but then the brilliance of the song really kicks in and makes it quite delightful. Raise it up indeed. 4/5 Rob: Slightly too much like she's walked out of Beyond Retro (Shoreditch clothes shop) and built her entire direction from a sick weekend furiously taking notes in and around Hoxton Square. 1/5 The Prophet: Me likey. It actually sounds like music and I really like the way she uses her vocals on the chorus. 3.5/5 Total: 16/35
Cascada – Evacuate The Dancefloor (Above)
Cascada returns with a new GaGa-ized sound!
Courtney: Timely lyrics "evacuate the dance floor" and "I'm infected" with the Swine Flu hysteria sweeping the planet. It's a bit run of the mill. Nothing amazing. Having said that I am sure it contains some hypnotic subliminal message that will have me clicking and shimmying all over the dance floor in about two weeks! 3/5 D'Luv: This is just okay. At first I wanted to comment on how she's not doing anything original here, but then, that kind of defines Cascada's entire repetoire. 2/5 Mike: It's great to have Natalie back representing big boned girls around the world! The band deserves credit for not going with another cover but this is just a little too close to Lady GaGa's far superior "Just Dance" for my liking. 3/5 Pablo: I'm not sure if it's Cascada, September or Jo O'Meara. Since Cheryl re-discovered the vocoder on "Tangled Up" everybody is using it. Kind of boring. 2/5 Paul: Everyone says that this is a cheap ass version of the Lady GaGa sound. I'm not sure about that (I could go onto my boring rant about how she stole it from everyone else) but I don't like the verses of this. I do quite like the chorus though. 2/5 Rob: This is how you do it Lady GaGa! Even the rap in the middle works. 5/5 The Prophet: I hate Cascada with a passion. Someone needs to put this horse headed hot mess down at the local pound. Her Hi-NRG cheese was bad enough but now we have to listen to a Z-Grade GaGa? Why does she even want people to evacuate the dancefloor? Aren't you meant to be on it if the song is good? I don't understand! 0/5 Total: 20.5/35
Lesbians around the world are clamoring to get inside Pink's Funhouse.
Courtney: How can you not love Pink? She is just so fun and so real. Just listening to her unapologetic lyrics, or raspy vocals... even watching her in her clip all just feels real. She is uber cool! 4/5 D'Luv: I imagine that Pink's funhouse has had many clowns up it. 3/5 Mike: There are a handful of truly amazing songs on "Funhouse" but none of them have been singles. The title track is quite quirky for mainstream pop but it's disjointed and ultimately quite boring. 2.5/5 Pablo: I used to like P!nk when I was a woman. But now I have a penis (it was quite expensive, actually) and I'm really tired of P!nk doing the same kicking and burning things in a video. With her ex-husband. Boooooring. But the song is acceptable. 3/5 Paul: I'm so glad P!nk is on the selection of singles. I think she has had an amazing run of singles that will sound proper decent on a greatest hits collection. I love the guitar in the chorus, and I love that a song about a funhouse is so creepy and depressive. Plus she counts backwards in the chorus which has been proven by Kylie in "Light Years' to be a genius pop move. 3.5/5 Rob: Slightly unusual to be honest. I think I love it. I think the other songs on the album deserved single status over this but hey it works! 3/5 The Prophet: I'm a big fan of Pinks last two albums "Try This" and "I'm Not Dead" but I can't get into her latest. I do love this song though and it was a standout for me, not to mention the video is AMAZING. 4/5 Total: 23/35
The Sydney DJ has set the club charts on fire with this dance anthem.
Courtney: I love Tommy. We worked together a few years ago and he has just achieved such great things. His music is cool and the clip is hot. I love the acoustic guitar riff, if has a bit of a Bob Sinclair vibe with the black male vocal. Feels cool. It is not trying too hard, it just is. And he gets an extra half a point for the hot boy in the clip! 4/5 D'Luv: Kind of interesting. I'd never buy this, though. If I heard it while driving to grandma's for sex, it might sound alright. 3/5 Mike: What is it with dance videos and semi-naked lesbians? At least Tommy is an equal opportunity perv and throws in a hot guy, for which I'm extremely grateful. As for the song, I look forward to hearing it every time I go out. Mr Trash has come up with the perfect Saturday night floorfiller. Love the Bass Kleph remix. 4.5/5 Pablo: A video with a shirtless male, showing his huge nipples is enough for me. Even if he is shaved. I know the old witch Mike doesn't let us speak about the videos anymore, but this is great. Girls electrified seems perfect to me. A little bit of hair in his chest and the video would have been a work of art. The song could perfectly fit into Dannii's career. It's her sound. I kinda like it. 5/5 Paul: I know we're not meant to comment on the video but girls in a shower? Really? Talk about lowest common denominator! It's fairly decent overall and slightly dirty ("I'm inside you") which i like, so it ranks slightly higher than if I just saw the video. 3/5 Rob: Highly unoriginal. I really can't stand this for some reason. I think Uniting Nations were doing this a few years back. Good for a few plays during the summer but pretty sloppy. 1/5 The Prophet: This isn't bad, it's still dance music but it's not cheesy and OTT, and besides the pornographic video I don't mind it. The singing is interesting. 2.75/5 Total: 23.25/35
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Marina & The Diamonds – I Am Not A Robot
This is the lead single from the Welsh pop star's latest EP "The Crown Jewels". Please note that the Panel are referring to afan made video, not the official clip (below) which only hit the net a couple of days ago.
Courtney: She has a frank Lily Allen lyrical approach. "Better to be hated than loved for what you're not", the clip is cute and witty. 3.5/5 D'Luv: Another one that would sound okay if I were eating pizza out of some stripper's thong at a church picnic, but I'd probably never pay for it. The music, that is. I'd pay for the stripper. 3/5 Mike: One of the most exciting pop songs I've heard all year. The lyrics are beautiful and Marina's voice lifts them to the next level. This is probably a bit too subtle for mainstream success but I'm now officially gagging for her album. 5/5 Pablo: erm... what? After the robot from Untouchable and the robot from Robyn, I think I have enough with robots in songs. 1/5 Paul: Love love love this. I think it's so elegant and ethereal. Beautiful lyrics too. One of my favourite songs of the year so far. 5/5 Rob: Amazing. Rich, beautiful and powerful. The sound of tomorrow is here! I love that earthy feeling to it. 5/5 The Prophet: I was about to give up on the video when I saw the pictures of the dogs with the robots. I know we aren't meant to review the video but I love it, and I also love when she says "I am not a robot", although she probably means it in some pretentious indie-pop context, but I still like it. 3/5 Total: 25.5/35
Michael Jackson was the Peter Pan of pop, the man who refused to grow old. It seems completely unfair that something as unremarkable as a heart attack should put an end to a magnificent career that survived scandal after scandal relatively intact. Unlike the majority of increasingly macabre media reports currently flooding the internet, I refuse to focus on the tragic side of Michael's life. The King of Pop clearly had his demons but he achieved more by the time he was 10 than most of us will accomplish in a lifetime. Instead, I'd like to pay tribute to an amazing artist by writing about my brief stint as one of his many devoted disciples. My love for Michael's music might have waned over the years but he never lost my admiration.
In the mid-80s my family finally got around to buying a VCR and one of the first videos we owned was "Thriller". I have no idea who chose it but I'm guessing it was my older sister. The clip was frightening stuff for a 5 year old and I had nightmares for a week. However, as I got older, it became one of my favourites and I watched that battered VHS compulsively. "Thriller" got me hooked on Michael and by the time "Bad" was released in 1987, I was already a loyal fan. More than twenty years have passed but I still remember purchasing the cassette with my pocket money and literally playing it until the tape broke. I listened to the album today and it isn't quite the masterpiece I remember. While "Bad" doesn't match the brilliance of "Off The Wall" or "Thriller", it's so intricately connected with my childhood memories that I find it hard to be objective. There's a bit of filler but time has been very kind to "Man In The Mirror", "Smooth Criminal" and "The Way You Make Me Feel".
I discovered Stock Aitken Waterman in the late 80s and my musical taste evolved radically (many would say in the wrong direction). By the time "Dangerous" was released in 1991, I had already lost interest in Michael. That's not to say I gave up on him entirely. Once you've caught the Havenhurst bug, there's no going back. Instead, I increasingly focused my attention on his fabulous siblings. My undying love for La Toya is pretty well known but I keep my admiration for Rebbie, Jackie, Jermaine, Marlon and Randy on the downlow. I'm starting to ramble now but I just don't know how to end this post without sounding completely trite or overly dramatic. I guess I just want to thank Michael for being the soundtrack to so many happy childhood memories. My deepest condolences to his family and army of faithful fans.
Sometimes I get a bit carried away with the modern music scene and forget the whole reason I started this blog - to celebrate the glittering underbelly of pop. Two songs that screams POP TRASH in capital letters are Britt Ekland's stunning disco flop "Do It To Me (Once More With Feeling)" and its fabulous B-side "Private Party". From the hilarious cover to the cheap and tawdry lyrics, these sublime anthems represent everything I love about music. They're camp, utterly irreverent and come with a nude foldout poster! Britt's pop career might have only lasted for the one single but she sure did go out in a blaze of glory.
Until recently I had no idea that Britt ever dabbled in music. Like most people, I only knew her as a Bond girl and general media whore. I should have guessed that the Swedish bombshell would have been sucked into the disco craze like every other starlet with a shred of notoriety in the 1970s. And as far as novelty disco anthems go, "Do It To Me (Once More With Feeling)" is surprisingly accomplished. The production - courtesy of Joel Diamond - is vibrant and the chorus is seriously catchy. I love the spoken breakdown in French towards the end and the classy lyrics are an endless source of joy. Admittedly, Britt can barely speak English let alone carry a tune but her vocal incompetence just makes the proceedings even more fabulous. Listen to this hot mess here.
As much as I adore "Do It To Me (Once More With Feeling)", the B-side is even better. "Private Party" is basically a four and half minute party invitation with some of the cutest lyrics in disco history. I particularly love it when Britt purrs "it's a private party and not everyone can come, you gotta know the in-crowd if you want to join the fun!" The song also benefits from a great brass section and more prominent backing vocalists. It's a shame this wasn't the A-side but (given the cover) they were obviously hoping sex would sell and this gem is more camp than sleazy. Listen to "Private Party" below:
Private Party
Unfortunately for Britt, the single was a massive flop and she never recorded another one. It's probably for the best. The world obviously wasn't ready for a 37 year old nude pop star!
You'd think ruining the Pet Shop Boys' career would have been enough for Xenomania but, if media reports are accurate, they are now looking to drag Kylie into their two man flop machine. Honestly, the thought of Brian and Miranda producing the majority of Kylie's next album makes my blood run cold. Isn't the hideousness of "Giving You Up" warning enough that Kylie shouldn't be allowed within 10 Kilometres of Xenomania? It's by far the worst single of her 20 year career - and she wants to make half the album with them? Someone please call Susan Powter because we need to STOP THE INSANITY!
I agree that Kylie's next offering needs a more cohesive sound. "X" is my second favourite Parlophone album after "Light Years" but it did suffer from too many cooks in the kitchen. Hiring one or two producers is a great idea but Xenomania isn't the answer. Kylie needs to push her boundaries and keep trying new things, while everything that Brian Higgins touches has that same boring old sound. I'll gladly put up with the occasional "Nu-Di-Ty" for the pristine pop of "The One", "In My Arms" and "2 Hearts". Xenomania is a spent force. Working with them would be two huge steps back. Artistic merit aside, it would also be commercial suicide. Their sound is so English. Exactly how many hits have the ugly trolls from Girls Aloud scored outside the UK? I think you'll find the answer is 0. Has poor Kylie finally given up on international chart success in order to score a few cheap hits in Britain?
If the Xenomania revelation wasn't bad enough, the same sources state that Kylie will work on the other half of the album with Nerina Pallot. Seriously, was Lisa Scott Lee busy? I'm lost for words. I quite liked the flop diva's last album (particularly her cover of "Confide In Me") but I sure as hell don't want Kylie to emulate her sound. Kylie has made such edgy choices in the past, working with the likes of Emiliana Torrini and Kish Mauve. Why is she bothering with this middle of the road has-been? While I run to church and pray that this is all a big hoax, check out Nerina's only "hit" (below). Can't you just imagine this as a Kylie anthem? No, me neither.
I was originally going to call this post "The Poor Man's Kylie" but I think that's a bigger compliment than Little Boots deserves. For even at her lowest ebb, Kylie has never put her name to anything as dull and lifeless as "Hands". In fact, Little Boots' debut is perhaps the most brightly polished turd in recent musical history. At first glance, the package is pretty hard to resist. Little Boots has an amazing image, her cover art exudes cool and the electro beats flow with surgical precision. All that's missing is a decent vocalist, some good songs and a little bit of heart. Don't be fooled by the pretty pictures and dazzling lights - "Hands" is all style and no substance.
Despite my general misgivings about the album, there are a couple of highlights. The Greg Kurstin produced lead single doesn't quite live up to the deafening hype but "New In Town" is still a catchy electro anthem with a punchy little chorus. Unfortunately, it sticks out like a boner on a nudist beach among all the other toothless tracks. "Remedy" is probably the best of the rest. With a bit of a polish it could probably pass for a Saturdays' B-Side. I'm also rather partial to "Hearts Collide", which simultaneously rips off Sophie Ellis Bexter's "Another Day" and Cut Copy's "Hearts On Fire". It's not very original but Richard Stannard knows his way around a chorus and this is one of the few tracks that has a discernible hook. The only other track I've bothered to keep on my Ipod is the embarrassing but fun "Tune Of My Heart". It's by far the worst song Pascal Gabriel has ever put his name to but a little more of this cheese would have at least dragged the album into 'so bad it's good' territory.
As for the rest of "Hands", it's incredibly bland and disappointing. "Mathematics" is typically pointless. It's just a string of meaningless words set to an anonymous beat. There's no emotion or intelligence behind it. The same goes for the achingly pretentious "Ghosts" and the incredibly dreary "No Brakes". Things then go from bad to worse on "Symmetry". The track begins promisingly but ultimately reveals itself to be a rather feeble Depeche Mode knock off, while "Meddle" and "Click" are both songs in search of a chorus and melody. I really wanted to like "Earthquake" because it so desperately tries to imitate Kylie but the lyrics are abstract to the point of being ridiculous. However, as dire as those lyrics are, they have nothing on the hideous title track. I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry when Little Boots earnestly mused "she went up to the heavens about quarter past eleven" before singing some rubbish about putting her broken heart back together with sticky tape. Honestly, it makes Lady GaGa's legendary"bluffin' with my muffin" rhyme sound like Shakespeare! These are the empty shells of great pop songs. The production is uniformly excellent the album has no guts and more unforgivably, no soul.
So what the hell went wrong? The album features the who's who of hot producers from Greg Kurstin to RedOne. Ultimately, the blame has to lie with Little Boots. She clearly needs to run not walk to the Cathy Dennis school of songwriting to learn the importance of a decent chorus. A better solution would be leaving songwriting duties in more capable hands because it's clearly not her forte. A bigger obstacle for Little Boots, and one that's much harder to overcome, is her voice. I'm a firm believer that you don't need a huge set of pipes to be a good pop star but Little Boots makes Annie sound like Maria Callas. She basically talks her way through songs in an increasingly grating monotone. I think this is indicative of a bigger issue - her total and utter lack of charisma and personality. Little Boots is a blank sheet. Any of these songs could have appeared on any number of pop albums and probably would have sounded a lot better for it. She's not as fun as Kylie, as edgy as Lady GaGa or as clever as Robyn. What exactly is Little Boots' contribution to pop music?
This week "Hands" plummets from #5 to #40 on the UK albums chart. I guess word of mouth is starting to spread.
The Pop Panel has undergone a bit of makeover this week. Instead of the usual selection of hyped hits and future flops, I thought it would be fun to focus exclusively on the local music scene for a change. Australian pop music is on fire at the moment with the likes of Jessica Mauboy, The Veronicas, Sneaky Sound System, Cut Copy, The Presets and Empire Of The Sun taking off internationally. Then there's the next wave of talent (Dash & Will, Chris Sorbello, Liena and Zoe Badwi) just waiting in the wings for their turn to shine. This week's song selection represents both the established names and future stars. Given the Australian theme, I gave the usual whores the week off and asked a bunch of local bloggers to take over the reigns. The new line-up is comprised of:
In addition to those hos, I've also asked my friend Peter Wilson to serve as a guest judge. As you may remember, Peter is (to my knowledge at least) Australia's only Hi-NRG male pop star with a career extending back to the early 90s. More recently, he moved into production and struck the jackpot by collaborating with Amanda Lear on her big comeback album. Before getting stuck into voting, I asked him about that experience and an exciting project he's working on with a certain alumni of the Stock Aitken Waterman hit factory!
Hey Peter!The last time we spokeyou talked about working with disco legend Amanda Lear on her hugely anticipated comeback album. Can we have an update please? It's called "Brief Encounters" and comes out in October. The album has received so much attention from her fans and I've had great feedback. I ended up doing three tracks - "Brand New Love Affair", "C'est La Vie" and a cover of "Always On My Mind", which I love so much. Amanda even talked about me on Italian TV saying she's worked with Australian disco singer Peter Wilson! LOL. Amanda fans are gonna love the album!
Is it true that you have a new solo track coming out? Hmmm... I HAVE recorded one but it's not a priority for me. So, I imagine it will turn up on the next "Mad About The Boy" compilation on Klone. I didn't write or produce it. So yeah, I'm much more excited about my producing with (business partner) Chris.
You also wrote and produced a duet for Hi-NRG divas Evelyn Thomas and Carol Jiani. How was that experience? We did 7 songs with Carol Jiani and "Are You Man Enough" was one of them. I suggested the duet idea to Carol and she liked it. Evelyn Thomas was open to it and before you know it, it was recorded and the single came out in Germany in March. The song was originally written for Sinitta and was to be on her upcoming Greatest Hits. But timing was difficult as Sinitta was very busy and only ended up recording 2 new songs, which were done in the UK with my old producers PMG. But Carol and Evelyn made it their own. I think Carol is even doing a solo version soon too.
I believe you're currently working with Haywoode - one of my favourite SAW divas. Tell us what you guys are working on! Haywoode's great! We've just done "Getting Closer 2009", which is very Lady Gaga meets Daft Punk I guess you could say. We've co-written a track called "Kiss Me Good", which is awesome and I wrote a song for her called "If You Give Love". I would imagine a release some time this year. Everyone please support Sid Haywoode cos she's so lovely!!
This SAW classic was covered by Kylie in 1987
Ok, here are the results from least to most popular. Let me know what you think of the outcome!
Aaron: Sounds a little like a Halloween remix of Duffy's "Mercy". I'm not quite taken by it but it's pretty enough. Sarah's got a fantastic voice but the track just isn't doing it for me. Fairly middle-of-the-road stuff. Great background music. 3/5 Adem: A Bad Seeds-esque release from Blasko, and easily one of her best. Stunning video too. 4.5/5 Damian: Gosh there's some variety here this week!? What starts off as some strange Conway Twitty-esque country affair suddenly turns into a hauntingly beautiful ballad, layered with Sarah's divine smoky vocals. 3.5/5 Guy: The clip sums up my impression of Sarah Blasko. It’s trying to be ethereal and profound, but you just know it was filmed at Sovereign Hill. I don’t actually mind the song – it’s got a nice Emiliana Torini feel to it. But Blasko manages to make it pretentious and annoying. 2/5 Mike: Congratulations, Missy Higgins. You are no longer the most tiresome bitch on the Australian music scene. 0/5 Peter: The 60s pop/soul sound is spreading isn’t it? Though it’s spreading like anal warts on this. This track is just depressing and boring. I just want to force feed Sarah some Prozac and slap some happiness into her. Even a good production can’t save a turkey like this. Vomit. 1.5/5 Total: 14.5/30
Aaron: Whilst I much prefer "Yippio-Ay" and I think that should have got the complete live video treatment - this is decent. Hooky, pretty impressive but not a patch on "This Boy's In Love". Killer wolf call. 3.5/5 Adem: Odd single choice. But really, by now there's not all that much LEFT to release from "Apocalypso", is there? 4/5 Damian: The Presets almost go 'Prodigy' on what must surely be the final single from their 'Apocalypso' set. Chaotic, industrial electro that makes me want to go have a Bex and a nice lie down. 2/5 Guy: Just makes me think of a bad night out in a club where someone would spill a breezer on me and I’d want to go home. 2/5 Mike: The "Apocalypso" well is now officially drier than a nun's cunt. 2/5 Peter: I don't like this track so much. I have the album and it’s nothing close to "This Boy’s In Love", which is brilliant. This is just really beats, a groove and some random shouting. The sounds they use are great but this one doesn't do it for me. 2.5/5 Total: 16/30
Aaron: Well, a straight ahead, sunny, pop track that'll definitely do well on radio - Nice enough! 2.5/5 Adem: Terrible. Voice as thin as rice paper and not in the fun way Victoria Beckham's is. To add insult to injury, this song is used in those sickening Sunrise promos. Sally Singleton + Breakfast Television = Instant Heartburn. 1/5 Damian: Not entirely original, but the track's what good pOp should be - fun, uptempo and bright as a button! So bright Channel 7's Sunrise team felt compelled to use it in promotion for their unseatable morning show! 3/5 Guy: Trying to be Kate Nash, and isn’t quite successful. But on the Kate Alexa scale of wanna-be popstar daughters of advertising/entertainment heavies, I think she doesn’t do too badly at all. 2.5/5 Mike: Poor Sally comes across as a mental hospital escapee in the video but the song is exceedingly cute in a Lenka-lite kind of way. 3.5/5 Peter: I like the Motown soul vibe a lot of new pop is tapping into. This track's just like that, really catchy and well written too. Her voice is quite good, not sure about the Missy Higgins style accent on some words, but overall a great song, good to see good pop coming from Australia, from anywhere really! 4/5 Total: 16.5/30
Brecik - Joan Jett (Video below)
Brecik pays tribute to lesbian icon Joan in his poptastic debut.
Aaron: Killer high-tempo electro/pop/rock that actually works quite well. I like the jumpy, fist-in-the-air bits. This song reminds me a lot of James Leon, in a really good way of course! 4/5 Adem: Oh dear. 1/5 Damian: Brecik's strongest offering to date, delightfully electro and most worthy of some chart love. For something to really float your pOp boat, check out their awesome cover version of Shakespear's Sister's 'Run Silent' on their official Myspace. 3/5 Guy: Who is this? I appreciate the jaunty chorus and trashy stage dancers but the production’s just a little Aus Idol. I am however (genuinely) impressed that they included footage of him rocking out in a Mazda (not a rent-o BMW, a la Natalie Bassingthwaighte). 2/5 Mike: I wonder if Brecik would settle for a guy that looks like a butch lesbian from a distance? But I digress. "Joan Jett" is big, dumb fun and I wholeheartedly approve. 3.5/5 Peter: I really wanted to like this so much. I mean I don't hate it but it's just not amazing. It reminds me of a lot of 90s pop and can almost hear a 90s style Motiv8 mix of it. But yeah, not grabbing me. 3/5 Total: 16.5/30 Daniel Merriweather - Red (Video)
Already a top 5 hit for Daniel in the UK.
Aaron: Adorable, string soaked ballad with great lyrics and a fantastic voice. The after-second-verse-beat took a little while to work for me, but I do like it! But what does he have against Red? 4/5 Adem: It's not terrible, but when he's got such a goldmine as "Impossible" on his album and he releases this; then I have to take issue. 2/5 Damian: Cannot speak highly enough about this single. Quite possibly the best and most startlingly beautiful, soulful, impeccable, heart-felt and stirring single of 2009. Now, would Australia please give the boy the support he so rightly deserves. 5/5 Guy: Not quite as dire as Ronan Keating but I still think this is Mothers’ Day stocking filler. The Mark Ronson connection means he’s sure to be played endlessly by Borders once they get sick of Duffy. 2.5/5 Mike: Daniel Merriweather can sit on my face any day of the week but this crap bores me to tears. I miss his bogan rap phase. 2.5/5 Peter: This sounds very English, especially when the chorus kicks in. I’d imagine straight women over 30 will cream over this, bringing on romantic delusions of grandeur. It’s not me, but not a bad track at all. Just not that different to a lot of tracks on radio. 3/5 Total: 19/30
The first single from the alternative pop Queen's latest album.
Aaron: Killer beat, really quirky track - but it actually works. I don't mind this one - Surprisingly! Chorus is surprisingly joyful. Bertie sounds great too! The bit towards the end is a bit off though. 4/5 Adem: LOVE Bertie, even if she does look a bit like Kelly Osbourne. Spikey verses, killer chorus; one of the best singles of the year. 5/5 Damian: She scared the crap out of me when I first saw the clip but the track's progressive, daring and a definite departure from her previous material. Sadly, commercial radio's on the whole probably not going to be daring enough to try their luck. 3/5 Guy: A cross between Kelly Osbourne and Diana Ah Naid with some Missy Elliot bass and an unexpected chorus. And dancers courtesy of Gina Riley’s Corallee Hollow dance company. Not my cup of tea, but I don’t mind it. 3/5 Mike: Bertie's new album is a triumph but this is probably the least accessible track on it. "Heart" is disjointed, confronting and slightly scary. It's also the most original thing you'll hear on radio this year. 4/5 Peter: Very different, that’s what I like about it. I really can’t compare it to anything, which is what I’d imagine Bertie would take as a compliment. Not sure it will be a worldwide smash but it’s good she’s doing something different. 3/5 Total: 22/30
The Sydney singer-songwriter’s follow-up to "Small Town Girl".
Aaron: I quite like this, an entirely pleasant enough track - I like the vocal, and I like the stripped back production - It's nice enough! 3.5/5 Adem: Face of Russell Brand, voice like Vanessa Carlton. Interesting for the first 40 seconds, suicidal therein after. I want nothing more than to take Bull deep into the woods with some hair-clippers and a shotgun. 2.5/5 Damian: Perhaps not quite as instant as his debut single but I'm a big fan of Andy's work. He's another who commercial radio criminally ignores. Kaleidoscopic pOp with an almost timeless flavour. 4/5 Guy: I really like this. Gets me tapping my feet, interesting production, although at one point gets a bit too close to Robin Thicke for my liking. But still good! 4/5 Mike: Andy sounds like a less trannytastic version of Anthony & The Johnsons. And I mean that as a huge compliment! 4/5 Peter: I really like this track, his voice is so unique and the song is awesome. He’s really doing his own thing and not following a formula dictated by radio. Though I can picture it getting a lot of airplay. Hope he does well. 4/5 Total: 22/30
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Empire Of The Sun - Standing On The Shore
Nick & Luke continue on their ambient electro journey.
Aaron: Never really loved these guys. This almost works, I'm not so keen on the vocal but otherwise OK. Almost. I think. 2/5 Adem: Weird guys playing dress-up make yet another killer pop tune. What's with the Power Rangers inspired video clip though? 5/5 Damian: While perhaps not as instant as their previous singles, Luke and Nick prove once again that they're some of the cleverest pOp purveyors on the planet right now. The whole 'Empire Of The Sun' project is world class and something we can be very, very proud of. 4/5 Guy: I didn’t know Empire of the Sun were Australian until I noticed all that kelp on the beach. I quite liked "We Are the People", but this seems to adhere to the pointless third single rule (Madonna's "Get Together" excepted). 3/5 Mike: Utterly sublime. This is a four and half minute trip through the looking glass of electropop. The video makes me want to jump on the next flight to Perth! Exquisite. 5/5 Peter: This is weird, but not bad weird. It’s like U2 meets 80s new wave pop with a modern electro twist. I can see radio eating this up and it deserves to do well. I hope it doesn't get stuck in my head! 3.5/5 Total: 22.5/30
The Modern Homosexual's Guide To Barbra Streisand Vol. 3 - 1974 to 1977
Last week's post covered Barbra's early 70s transformation into a contemporary pop artist with albums like "Stoney End" and "Barbra Joan Streisand". While those gems certainly got the ball rolling, Babs' evolution into a modern pop diva was in full swing by the mid-70s. This is one of my favourite periods in Streisand's long and fabulous career. She started taking bigger creative risks (some paid off, others didn't) and explored a plethora of different musical genres. The results were mixed but never boring. This is definitely an era that newcomers should consider checking out - if only for her stunning Bob Marley cover! Reggae Barbra, anyone?
I finished off the last installment by examining 1974's "The Way We Were" (not to be confused with the film soundtrack). Barbra reverted to a more traditional mix of standards and power ballads on that album and scored herself a massive #1 hit. It would have been easy to repeat herself on the follow up but Babs was determined to be down with the kids. Encouraged by her then boyfriend (and producer) Jon Peters, the great diva embarked on what would be her most eclectic album yet. "Butterfly" is a gorgeous little oddity. I love everything about it from the witty cover art to the downright bizarre song selection. After four years of writing this blog, I'm ecstatic to finally have a reason to write about this underrated trash classic.
"Butterfly" probably qualifies as a covers album given that 9 of the 10 tracks have previously been released by other artists but I don't think that term even existed in the mid-70s. A fascinating part of researching this post has been discovering the extent to which songs were recycled back then. Barbra had thrown in a couple of unusual choices on previous albums but "Butterfly" is a veritable treasure trove of bizarre covers. The most infamous cut is probably her fabulous destruction of Bob Marley's "Guava Jelly" but my favourite has to be Babsi's haunting version of David Bowie's "Life On Mars". I love the simple production and think it holds up well against the original. Unfortunately, David wasn't as enthusiastic, describing it as "atrocious" and "awful". I'm surprised Babs didn't have him whacked! Other highlights incude the three R'n'B numbers (Bill Withers' "Grandma's Hands", Paul Anka's "Jubilation" and Ray Charles' "Crying Time") and Barbra's lovely interpretation of "I Won't Last A Day Without You" - made famous, of course, by The Carpenters. "Butterfly" doesn't get a lot of love from the Streisand faithful but I can't recommend it highly enough.
Her next project couldn't be more different to "Butterfly". Barbra packed away her flares to star in "Funny Lady", the tragically titled sequel to "Funny Girl". It's no secret that Babs was contractually obliged to make the film and you can tell that her heart wasn't really in it. In fact, I'm surprised "Funny Lady" turned out as well as it did given the strange cast (who really wants to hear James Caan sing?) and the uninspiring tunes. There's no doubting the genius of Kander & Ebb (Cabaret, Chicago etc) but this has to be the most underwhelming score of their illustrious career. As far as I'm concerned, there's only one brilliant song and that's the bittersweet "How Lucky Can You Get". Having said all that, "Funny Lady" was a box office hit and scored 5 Academy Award nominations. So what the hell do I know?
It's funny how time can change your opinion of an album. I always thought 1975's "Lazy Afternoon" was only good for two things - the hilarious cover photo and Barbra's first foray into disco. However, earlier this week I listened to the album (in full) for the first time in years and was really surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I still think "Lazy Afternoon" is wildly uneven and lacks direction but it contains some real gems. "Widescreen" is totally epic, while "My Father's Song" makes me teary every time I hear it. However, my favourite track is still Barbra's disco debut. "Shake Me, Wake Me" is glorious cover of an earlier hit by The Four Tops but it seems to have been largely forgotten by disco fans. A 12" single was released but I've never heard the extended version. I imagine it's pure disco heaven! "Lazy Afternoon" is also notable for the self-penned "By The Way" and the gorgeous "I Never Had It So Good". Unfortunately, the rest of the album is languid to the point of being stillborn.
Does anyone actually like "Classical Barbra"? I seriously hate to think how many gays are using the album to prop up uneven furniture. Just take my word for it and avoid this opera-lite debacle at all costs! As unfortunate as Barbra's classical detour was, I still admire her for trying something different. Happily, her next musical project was a completely different affair. I'm referring to her multi-platinum selling "A Star Is Born" soundtrack. While the film has its merits, Judy Garland's version is better and I usually find myself fast forwarding between the musical numbers - which are uniformly excellent. I love that they set out to make a rock musical and somewhat surprisingly, Barbra thrives in the genre.
There really isn't a bad song to be heard on "A Star Is Born", perhaps with the exception of Kris Kristofferson's "Hellacious Acres". However, I can forgive that because he was so fucking hot. The soundtrack will always be best remembered for "Evergreen" (below), which earned Babs a Grammy and an Academy Award for Best Song. I worship that gem as much as the next Streisand diehard but I actually prefer the tracks she performs with The Oreos (her backing singers in the film). "Queen Bee" is a funktastic jam of epic proportions, while "Everything" has to be heard to be believed. This camp ballad has some of the classiest lyrics ever committed to record. My favourite line is "I'd cure the cold and the traffic jam. If there were floods, I'd give a dam"! For a completely different side to Barbra check out the rockin' medley "With One More Look At You/Watch Closely Now". Phew! That's all for now. Check in for more Babs next week.
It's been three long months since the high priestess of pop last graced Pop Trash Addicts and I'm starting to have serious withdrawals. People always think I'm being ironic when I write about La Toya but I honestly can't imagine life without her fabulous flops. Over the past few years I've paid tribute to most of them with one glaring exception - Toy Toy's stunning 1987 duet with Japanese "superstar" Jed. Say what you like about the thinking man's Jackson but you have to admit it takes a special talent to sing out of tune in two languages simultaneously! "Yes, I'm Ready" isn't La Toya's finest moment but it definitely ranks as one of the funniest.
"Yes, I'm Ready" was unleashed on the unsuspecting Japanese public in early 1987, not long after Toy's infamous duet with Cerrone. You think she would have learnt her lesson after that (admittedly fabulous) debacle but I'm pretty sure the Duchess of dance was just happy to be working. There's not a lot I can tell you about La Toya's foxy duet partner - Jed appears to have been a complete nobody. In fact, as far as I can tell, "Yes, I'm Ready" was his first and last recording. The poor guy obviously decided to quit while he was ahead! If anybody has any information on this international man of mystery, please get in touch.
As for the song, it's a surprisingly faithful cover of Barbra Mason's classic 60s pop hit - only with the occasional verse sung in Japanese! Toy Toy's pronunciation apparently leaves a lot to be desired but she gets through it with her dignity somewhat intact. As for Jed, I'm guessing he's not a native speaker either. The result is one hell of an amusing trainwreck. However, it's not all bad. I love the toygasmic chorus and the minimal production allows you to hear La Toya's beautiful voice in all its exquisite glory. If you think you can cope with this much fabulousness check out the magic of "Yes, I'm Ready" below (you might have to press the button twice):
Yes, I'm Ready
In another toytastic development, fans have created a petition to get "Startin' Over" released. The album has been gathering dust for almost 7 years, so I think Dannii has a better chance of scoring a worldwide smash hit than Toy's opus has of seeing the inside of a record store. Life as a Toy Soldier is never easy!
Shena Winchester is a one woman disco revival machine. Earlier this year the English diva announced her arrival with the stunning "Can't Stop The Rain" and further cements her position as one of 2009's essential pop acts with its equally brilliant follow up. "My Fantasy" is a glittering nu-disco anthem that sounds like it has been dug out of a sequin filled time capsule. The track is so incredibly faithful to the tenements of disco without ever sounding tired or derivative, which is an absolutely massive achievement in my book. I couldn't wait to ask Shena about her influences and upcoming debut album when I interviewed her. Hearing about the evolution of her sound was fascinating but I was just as excited to discover that Shena is the voice behind some of my all time favourite dance tunes - starting with JX's iconic "You Belong To Me" way back in 1995. I hope you enjoy my chat with this fabulous 14 years in the making overnight sensation!
Shena, you seem to have come out of nowhere but I believe you're no stranger to the music scene. I was digging through my collection and found a copy of "Let The Beat Hit Em" from 1997. Are you the same Shena and was that your debut? Yes that was me back in 1997 with "Let The Beat Hit 'Em". That was my second release as a solo artist but not as a dance diva. The first track I recorded and released commercially in the dance world was "You Belong To Me" by JX.
A young, bald (!) Shena helped turn this into a dance classic
Did you actually record an album to go along with "Let The Beat Hit 'Em"? What was it like being with a big label? No, I didn’t record an album to go with it unfortunately. I did and didn’t enjoy being with a major label because I felt like I was contracted to them in name only. That was because my label was Virgin Club and not Virgin itself, so I got none of the perks that say The Spice Girls got.
I understand you've also been a session singer for some of the biggest names in soul. Who has benefited from your amazing vocals?
The late James Brown, the late Luther Vandross, Joss Stone, Ronan Keating, Heather Small, Amy Winehouse, Patti Labelle, Inner City, Errol Brown, Lisa Stanfield and Angie Stone. These are as many of the big soul artists as I can think of at this moment, but there are plenty of others from many different musical genres that I lent my vocals to.
You've also featured on some of the biggest dance tracks of recent years includingMichael Gray's "The Weekend"andJunior Jack's "Dare Me". Was not being credited on such big hits frustrating? Did it spur you on to record your own album?
Absolutely, because as much as I love dance music I have always felt faceless within it. Hence after years of trying to contain that frustration, my husband and I decided that enough was enough and "One man woman" my forthcoming album was born.
It must be great to finally be calling the shots. Did you have an idea of how you wanted "One Man Woman" to sound before you started recording or did it just evolve?
Calling the shots feels very nice indeed. Also no, I had no idea how I wanted the album to sound except that I wanted to create something that I myself would buy as well as a lot of other people of course! Initially we had great songs but were unsure of direction, but when James and I analysed what our strengths were and through some very helpful advice from a ‘tastemaker’ friend we decided to reinvent it into a nu-disco album. It’s hard to break a new act with a sound that is different to the mainstream, but the feedback we are getting is phenomenal, so we’re now convinced that we made the right decision.
Which writers and producers have you worked with?
Too many to mention but the list includes the Freemasons, Alex Gaudino, Michael Gray, Full Intention, Starchaser, Warren Clarke, 7th Heaven, Bimbo Jones, Fraser Smith, Richard Cottle and James Winchester who produced the entire album except for one song, co-wrote it with me and also happens to be my manager and hubby.
"My Fantasy" is such a glorious slice of disco. Have you always been a fan of the genre? What are your favourite disco anthems?
I have always been a fan of the genre and because I was born in the 70’s I never got a chance to really appreciate it the first time round so I am more than making up for it this time. Regarding my favourite disco anthems that would have to be, "I Feel Love" by Donna Summer, "Boogie Wonderland" by Earth, Wind and Fire and "Blame It On The Boogie" by Michael Jackson.
Shena's scorching hot sisters!
The video clip is amazing. I want that disco ball outfit! Is it true that your sisters are the sexy backing singers in the video?
Thank you and yes the three gorgeous ladies who star as my backing singers in the video clip are all my sisters…Nobody believes me when I tell them that!
You've said that Whitney Houston is your ultimate role model. Are you looking forward to her comeback in September?
Oh yes, yes and yes, but she had better be good and not have lost that beautiful gift that she was blessed with or I don’t know if I will be able to forgive her. It’s not nice to see or hear your idol in a bad state, so I’m hoping to be inspired all over again like I was when she first arrived on the scene.
Congratulations on delivering one of the best songs of 2009. I wish you every success with the album!
Thank you so much!
"My Fantasy" is released in the UK on the 29th of June. You can pre-order Shena's debut album "One Man Woman" from HMV and Amazon. Make sure you add her as a friend on Myspace and check out her website.
I'm a bottle of Sweet Darling away from being a fully paid up member of Al Kylieda. The pint sized diva could queef her way through the Delta Goodrem songbook and I'd still probably give it a positive write up. That gives you some indication of how much I hated "Sensitized" to only give it 1/10 when I reviewed "X" way back in November 2007. In fact, I believe I even coined the phrase "Senshitized"! Everything about the track just rubs me the wrong way. To my ears it's a shoddy rehash of the vastly superior "Cowboy Style" with an incredibly fucking annoying sample plastered over the top. If the song was written by anyone other than Cathy Dennis, I'm sure it would be currently gathering dust on the studio shelf next to "Sexual Gold" and "Acid Min".
Needless to say, I was less than excited when I heard "Sensitized" was being revived as a duet for Christophe Willem's "Caféine" album. After ignoring it for the past month, I finally decided to give the track a spin reasoning that it couldn't be any worse than Kylie's recent duet with Coldplay. Well, it's amazing how much difference a camp French pop star and significantly less irritating production can make! The grating "Bonnie & Clyde" sample has been toned down and some of the verses are now sung en français. Instead of sounding forced and desperate, the new version exudes a playful sensuality that I find very appealing. "Sensitized" will never be my favourite Kylie moment but this is a massive improvement!
"Sensitized" isn't the only Kylie connection on Christophe's album - Guy Chambers and Steve Anderson both contribute tracks. Unfortunately, there are no plans to release the song or the album outside the French speaking world, so I guess we'll all just have to import it. I ordered my copy from Amazon.
I'm so excited about this week's Pop Panel. The results were the closest they have ever been (less than one point separates the top three) and the winner was a total shock. It's a great song (for a change) but this is still a massive upset given the stiff competition it faced from some of the year's most hyped tracks. Apart from a surprise winner, we also have an extraordinarily fierce guest judge - the leading lady of Pop Trash, CC Martini! Australia's Queen of Pip Pop is currently doing her thing in the States but kindly took some time out to answer a couple of questions before getting stuck into voting. Here's what she had to say:
Hey CC, what have you been up to in the US?
Cooking and eating. Playing softball and getting lovin'. The simple life!
Any music news?
I am regrouping and getting ready for phase two. I've been seeing lots of bands and just getting into being a punter and also listening to lots of different stuff. I'm getting inspired. I went to see No Doubt in San Diego and I also checked out a local friend Oona who is about to blow up here check outher Myspace.
Last and least, D'Luv fromChart Riggeris on the Panel. He memorably claimed to have fucked you in McDonalds' playland. True or false?
Ha ha. Ummm, I errr, don't remember.
Classy. Thanks again for taking part!
In addition to the lovely CC, the rest of the Panel is comprised of the same riff raff as last week:
As usual the songs are listed from least to most popular. Let me know what you think of the outcome! Oh and check out CC's legendary jam "Double Dutch" if you haven't already. I never tire of this modern masterpiece! Hannah – Keeping Score (Video)
Estonia’s most glamorous pop star delivers her debut UK single.
CC: Oh dear. This is absolutely terrible! This kind of music makes me leave nightclubs early. I'm sure that Estonia has much more to offer than Hannah. -1/5 D'Luv: This is okay. A lot of these dance broads blend together, but there's some heart to this one at least. 3/5 Mike: I think everyone has been a bit mean to Hannah. "Keeping Score" doesn't reinvent the wheel but it's a sweet piece of pop fluff. I approve. 3.5/5 Pablo: If you close your eyes hard enough... it's like September. But half the quality. 2/5 Paul: I know you hate her Mike, but if this was a Rachel Stevens comeback single, it would be massively hyped by the blogs and then peak at number 10 on the UK charts. I do think this has a chorus that SAW would be proud of but other than that it doesn't really stand out for me. 2.5/5 Rob: Are we judging the Bimbo Jones Remix or the original single mix? If it's the former then it gets my backing. A nice start for Hannah but she'll need a massive chorus for her second single. If she wants to compete with the likes of Lady GaGa and Agnes Carlsson she'll have to dig deep and blow us away. I am waiting for the big epic part but it fails to give me what I want. As such it only verges on something amazing. 3/5 The Prophet: Oh God who is this, she's horrible! She looks like a skinnier version of Michelle McManus! And why do all Bimbo Jones remixes sound exactly the same?? EPIC FAIL! 0/5 Total: 13/35
The Dutch DJ recently scored a very unexpected top 10 hit in Australia with this dance anthem.
CC: I dig this. Great video too. 4/5 D'Luv: Wow, the bar's really been set low for dance anthems. 2/5 Mike: I'm guessing the majority of the panel hasn't seen the inside of a nightclub since the 90s. This is a sizzling slice of rhythmic techno. The beats are killer and I love the naughty hook. 4/5 Pablo: Erm... excuse me? 0/5 Paul: Fucking hell. Talking about dragging the depths of pop depravity. Riverside motherfucker indeed. I kept waiting for it to start in a don't bore us get to the chorus type moment. My fucking ears are bleeding. What tripe. 0/5 Rob: Fucking tragic. Too stupid for words. Why is this even in here? 1/5 The Prophet: I've never heard this before but it's pretty cool. 3/5 Total: 14/35
The debut single from last year's X Factor rejects.
CC: Ha ha ha. I laughed at the cliche of this boy band pop song but then it grew on me. By the end of this song I loved it. It's cheezy. It cheers me up. I can't stop singing the chorus. I love it! "I need love CPR!" Ha ha ha, did he really say that? so cheeeezy. It's perfect. 5/5 D'Luv: This follows the perfect boy band formula—minimal melody but one brief, catchy hook tucked away in the chorus (in this case, the "won't beat again, it's killing me" bit). I'd dock it a point for so blatantly ripping off Kardinal Offishall's "Dangerous," but...what a great song to cop from! 4/5 Mike: If you threw every boyband cliche into a blender and sprinkled in some of the worst lyrics ever written, you would end up with something very similar to "Beat Again". It's abysmal but there is a so bad it's funny thing going on. 2/5 Pablo: This is one of the reasons why miss fabulous, glamorous, lovely Cheryl Cole didn't made them winners. 1/5 Paul: Oh Marvin can beat me off again anytime. It sort of sounds like a Chris Brown comeback single (though thank god it isn't with that title!) and it's certainly going for the edgy pop meets electro tag. However, underneath that blustering bravado is a very simple song, with a catchy hook performed by the real winners of last years X Factor. And it's ultimately quite cheap and quite charming. 4.5/5 Rob: Incredibly unoriginal. American boybands have been doing this sort of stuff the past 10 years. Hell, British boybands been and gone have already covered this ground (Blue/Another Level). X Factor showed off their vocals and this simply autotunes their distinct vocal qualities to white noise. Simply shit. Oh, and next time spend more than £1.50 on your video. 1.5/5 The Prophet: This would've been good like 15 years ago! They remind me of a black BSB, and I mean that in a bad way. 0/5 Total: 18/35
CC: Oh dear. Any song that starts off with "I know we've had our ups and downs, at times I would look like the clown..." Yeah that's one of those songs you write and then throw in the rubbish when you play it to yourself again when you're sober and realise it's absolute crap. And who put Holly Valance in that god awful purple dress? It's fugly! She is hot but not even she can save this song or the video. 1/5 D'Luv: Classic pop in every way. I'm not totally aboard the Vincent Frank bandwagon, but this has me thinking about taking a test ride. 4.5/5 Mike: Frankmusik? More like Fuckinshitmusik. And who's Vincent kidding by "dating" Holly? They're clearly the Will & Grace of electropop! 2/5 Pablo: A song that could be for "I have my period but feeling kinda happy". The chorus reminds me of some other song, but I can't remember which one. 3/5 Paul: He's very hyped isn't he? I do quite like this song, but I'm not exactly mad over it. For me, he doesn't really live up to the hype and this has done little to change my mind. Holly's best acting since she unfeasibly turned up as Michael's mail order russian bride on Prison Break though. 3/5 Rob: Absolutely awful video. Billie got there with this a decade ago. Song is pretty sweet. 5ive would consider this as a b-side. 3/5 The Prophet: I only watched this originally for Queen Holly (bow down and show respect!) but now I'm obsessed with Frankmusik and this song! It's been on repeat for me. 4.5/5 Total: 21/35
MPHO - Box N Locks
This hugely hyped diva's debut samples the 80s classic "Echo Beach".
CC: Fantastic looking video. I am all about colourful clips. What's with the brown bangs and the black pony tail though? Great styling. Cute song but kinda boring and forgettable. She's very hot and I think she will be around for a while if she gets some stronger songs. I like the sample. It's a cool jam. 3.5/5 D'Luv: I went to take a piss while this was playing, and when I came back, it was unfortunately still going. 1/5 Mike: This isn't so much a debut single as a declaration of intent. It's a bit clumsy at times but I love the sample and the message behind her lyrics. 3.5/5 Pablo: It's like trying to be a bad girl, sounding pop but wanting to be R'n'B. Quite catchy. 3/5 Paul: I've seen this on popjustice a lot but never really bothered to check it out. I've missed out really because it is a lot better than I thought. Slightly punky, breakneck speed chorus with a catchy hook. It does remind me of someone, but i can't think who. Utterly decent overall though, specially the hand claps in the middle 8! 3.5/5 Rob: Terrible lyrics. Boring music. Trying too hard to fit into that "pop is cool" category. Absolutely fails though. 2.5/5 The Prophet: I did a feature on MPHO the other week on my blog! I love her, the lyrics scream a little "Look at me I'm an individual!" but I understand she needs to do that for the first single. I think she's great! 4.5/5 Total: 21.5/35
The BEP’s latest single was produced by acclaimed French DJ David Guetta.
CC: I was really looking forward to this song. I love the Peas. They are one of my favourite groups. I love them. I can't believe they used a vocoda. They sound like some fucking overproduced RnB band. Boo. Taboo is so sexy and looks hot in this video. For that he gets a point. And fergie rocks, her singing verse is the highlight of this song. This just sounds like a Daft Punk remix. What's the saying I'm looking for here? I like your old stuff better than your new stuff. 2/5 D'Luv: I'm no fan of the Peas, but I'm man enough to set my preconceived notions aside when an artist I don't have a taste for comes up with a decent pop single. "I Gotta Feeling" grabbed my ear the first time I heard it on the radio. That said, "I Gotta Feeling" is almost too gimmicky, and will surely be played to death from here to Guam this summer. 3/5 Mike: This captures that great feeling of expectation before a big night out. It's the musical equivalent of every great Saturday night you've ever had rolled into one. "I Gotta Feeling" is THE party anthem of 2009. 5/5 Pablo: Simply perfection! I totally hate Fergie, I can't stand will.i.am... but this song (and the complete album) is perfect. This song gets much better with the party video. 5/5 Paul: Ridiculously I had a moment this week where I sort of liked their "Boom Boom Pow" single, but mercifully that has passed. And mercifully David Guetta has injected some decent pop magic into this tune. What a relief because I still find them quite annoying and odious. If I was already dancing to "Love Takes Over" and this came on, I wouldn't walk off the dance floor. 3/5 Rob: This sounds like a brilliant eastern European dance record that the types of DJ Bobo would cover and make a smash hit in Switzerland. In other words, very good indeed. 4/5 The Prophet: I love the Peas and this is a hot song but "Boom Boom Pow" is much better. I think this is a little too radio friendly and pop. 3.5/5 Total: 25.5/35
Dan's debut single borrows elements from "Umbrella" & Biggie's "Hypnotize".
CC: Beautiful, cute song. I love it. Indie simplicity. 5/5 D'Luv: "Symphonies" seems like the type of song Robbie Williams wishes he was still young and interesting enough to make. Luckily, Dan Black's delivery here is more charming than anything Robbie's vomitted up over the past 10 years. 3/5 Mike: Extraordinary from beginning to end. I love the strings, I love the eclectic influences and most of all, I admire Dan's ability to pull everything together to come up with something new. Simple and beautiful. 5/5 Pablo: An epic begining for a song that includes hocus pocus in its lyrics. Bad sign! I like the violins but the song is weird. "Umbrella", ballad and almost a rap. I don't get it. 2/5 Paul: Oh my i love this tune, which is quite surprising considering "Umbrella" just passed me by. I just really like the lyrics and it just grooves along at it's own pace. Very summery and I find Dan's voice quite delicious. Tres bon. 4/5 Rob: Amazing. I love anything that has a slight reference to Star Trek. This is what Darren Hayes has always tried to achieve. Symphonies is in that box marked "probably best songs of 2009". Absolutely inspiring. 5/5 The Prophet: Biggies "Hypnotize" and Rihanna's "Umbrella" are two of the greatest songs ever. Don't sample them so heavily if you can't do it justice. I'd rather just listen to the originals. 2/5 Total: 26/35
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Shena - My Fantasy
Disco never dies!
CC: Mmm disco music. Never really been my thing. There's nothing really wrong with this song, it's just that this stuff all sounds the same to me. Great soulful voice but I have to deduct points for this just not being my fave genre even though that's a little unfair. 2/5 D'Luv: You can sorta tell Shena probably gives wicked-awesome head. 3/5 Mike: The thing I love most about "My Fantasy" is the fact that it's authentic disco (ie. with real instruments) not some tragic modern day interpretation. Shena could be the cult diva of 2009. 4/5 Pablo: Totally like! Nothing new about this sound, heard it all before, but it's always good to get up and dance. 4.75/5 Paul: Ooh this is bloody ace. It reminds me of that Sheena Easton album of disco covers from a few years back. This is drenched in the super sounds of disco and sounds so familiar that you swear you have heard it before. This is possibly the best song that i have discovered through the pop panel suggestions. Aces. 4.5/5 Rob: Disco arouses me to the core. I think she can do better though. 4/5 The Prophet: Fabulous! Love the 70's disco vibe. This is so good! 4/5 Total: 26.25/35
The Modern Homosexual's Guide To Barbra Streisand Vol. 2 - 1970 to 1973
Last week I kicked off my Streisand guide for the uninitiated by summarising her fabulous achievements in the 1960s. The goal was to show the fun side of Barbra, a side that younger gays could relate to. While I love the early years of Babsi's career, I don't think it's a great starting point for new fans. If (like me) old standards, musical theatre and showtunes float your boat - you'll be in 7th heaven. I'd advise everyone else, however, to start with 70s Streisand. This is the decade in which the great diva started to pursue a more contemporary sound. I originally intended to wrap up the whole decade in one post but that wouldn't do any justice to the most fruitful and fabulous period of Streisand's career. So today I'm just going to focus on the early 70s when Babs got her hippy on, delivered three of her best albums, starred in one of the greatest love stories ever told and made what could well be the most heinously awful television special of all time.
Barbra had already tried to experiment with a more contemporary sound on her last (non soundtrack) album of the 60s, the underrated "What About Today?" That endeavour turned out to be something of a disaster, becoming her first studio album to peak outside the US top 30. Happily, Babs wasn't deterred from trying again. In 1970 Clive Davis (yes, he really has been around since the dawn of time) suggested she hook up with Richard Perry to have another crack at modernising her sound. The result was "Stoney End" - a sleepy little guitar pop gem with tinges of folk and alt country. In other words, it was a complete reinvention and an unexpected success. There's a lot to love about "Stoney End". I think the gorgeous title track (penned by the great Laura Nyro) is one of the best singles of Barbra's career and definitely one of her most atypical. Other highlights include her cover of Gordon Lightfoot's "If You Could Read My Mind" (which Amber, Ultra Nate and Jocelyn Enriquez later record as the Stars on 54) and the sweet gospel of "No Easy Way Down". A lot of amazing people wrote songs for this album including Joni Mitchell, Carole King and Randy Newman and their influence is felt throughout.
While "Stoney End" is a justifiable favourite among fans, I actually prefer the slightly less successful follow up. In many ways 1971's "Barbra Joan Streisand" could be considered a sequel of sorts. Richard Perry was called back for production duties, a lot of the same songwriters re-appear and the album even features tracks that were originally recorded for "Stoney End". However, instead of simply covering familiar ground, "Barbra Joan Streisand" actually improves on its predecessor. It's more consistent, involving and experimental. In fact, there's not a single dud on this gem. If I had to choose a favourite it would probably be the 70s-tastic "Space Captain", which has more than a touch of David Bowie about it. Other highlights are the two John Lennon covers ("Love" and "Mother"), Carole King's gorgeous "Where You Lead", the Burt Bacharach/Hal David medley and the uplifting "I Mean To Shine". Everything about "Barbra Joan Streisand" is understated and beautiful, from the artwork to the song choices. This would definitely feature in my top 10 Streisand albums.
The experimental spirit of Barbra's music eventually crossed over into her film career. The early 70s produced the irresistibly cute screwball comedy "What's Up Doc?" and the surreal "Up The Sandbox". The former was a hit and even produced a camp duet with Barbra's co-star Ryan O'Neal (a fun cover of Cole Porter's "You're The Top"). The latter, however, crashed at the box office and really has to be seen to be believed. This is proof, if nothing else, that Barbra can laugh at herself. I love "Up The Sandbox" and consider it a trash classic but I don't think I've ever seen a more bizarre mainstream movie. Basically, Babs plays a bored stay at home mum who loses the plot when she discovers she's up the duff again. Her character escapes into an imaginary world where she hooks up with Fidel Castro and tries to blow up the Statue of Liberty. They sure don't make 'em like this anymore!
While "What's Up Doc?" and "Up The Sandbox" have their fans, Barbra will always be best remembered for 1973's glorious "The Way We Were". I think everyone over the age of 20 has seen this film at least once. It used to be repeated on television a couple of times a year when I was growing up and I'm sure I watched Katie and Hubbell's ill fated romance each and every time. This has to be one of the greatest weepies in movie history. The final scene with Barbra and Robert Redford gets me every single time. I hate to think how many chocolate biscuits and tissues I've gone through watching this tearfest! Despite the film's lofty place in pop culture, I was surprised to read that the original reviews were pretty brutal. It just goes to show that critics don't know shit. The famous theme song was a #1 hit and won an Academy Award. Strangely, it's never really been a favourite of mine.
Moving from the sublime to the ridiculous, I guess I should say something about "Barbra Streisand And Other Musical Instruments". Don't be deceived by the fabulous title, this television special is seriously dire. I have a pretty high tolerance for Barbra's artistic indulgences (including recording duets with herself and the general fiasco that is "Classical Barbra") but I draw the line at this hideous world music extravaganza. The Turkish-Armenian version of "People" is a glimpse into the depths of hell, while the flamenco interpretation of "Second Hand Rose" should be a crime against humanity. The soundtrack to the special is the only Streisand album I consider to be completely without merit and that includes the cure for insomnia otherwise known as "Higher Ground".
I can't end this post on such a dud note, so I'm going to include "The Way We Were" despite the fact that it was released in the early days of 1974. This album should not be mistaken for the film soundtrack. In fact, "The Way We Were" was originally released with the rather clunky title "Barbra Streisand featuring The Way We Were and All In Love Is Fair" after legal proceedings were initiated by the film's producers. While the album takes a step back from the more contemporary sound of "Stoney End" and "Barbra Joan Streisand", this is still an absolute classic. I've always thought of "The Way We Were" as a concept album of sorts. Each song deals with relationships from a different angle, from breaking up to making up. This is an incredibly consistent effort but one track stands out for me. "The Best Thing You've Ever Done" is my favourite Streisand ballad. This is the ultimate break up anthem with its passive aggressive lyrics and astonishing vocal performance. I get goose bumps every time I hear it. Other highlights include the breezy cover of Paul Simon's "Something So Right", Barbra's classy version of Stevie Wonder's "All In Love Is Fair" and the drag queen anthem "I've Never Been A Woman Before".
Halfway through "The E.N.D." I was ready to declare it the best pop album of 2009, such is the brilliance of tracks like "I Gotta Feeling", "Alive" and "Rock That Body". Unfortunately, the albums loses a bit of momentum and the second half is something of a letdown in comparison. That doesn't change the fact that "The E.N.D." is an extraordinarily fun album. This is one of those rare discs that you could spin at a party and be guaranteed to please the vast majority of people in the room. The move towards electro and dance is inspired and no act in modern music bridges the gap between hip hop and pop better than the Black Eyed Peas.
Given their usually obtuse lyrics about Fergie's humps and endless sex appeal, it comes as something of a surprise that the band has a theme this time around. I guess you could even call "The E.N.D." a concept album of sorts. In the liner notes will.i.am writes eloquently about the death of record stores and the demise of music in a physical form - and this collection of tunes deals with what comes next. It's all about the future of music and that's reflected in the robotic beats, computerised voice effects and fearless blending of genres. There's even a song about Facebook and Myspace! The result is a fresh and exciting album that sometimes buckles under the weight of its own epic scale. Coming in at 25 tracks (if you buy the Deluxe Edition and I highly recommend you do), "The E.N.D." is almost overwhelming. However, in the days of individual track downloading and homemade playlists, it's easy to come up with a version to suit almost everyone and, to be honest, I think that's the whole point of "The E.N.D." - to celebrate the digital world and all the new opportunities it brings.
Here's my track by track review:
Boom Boom Pow - 8/10
This sets the tone of the album perfectly with its robotic voice effects and futuristic beats. However, it's not representative of the rest of the songs at all. "Boom Boom Pow" is the only track that has been deconstructed to such a devastating extent. I know a lot of people despise "Boom Boom Pow" but I think it's clever, post modern and ridiculously catchy despite (or perhaps because of) its minimalist approach. That being said, I couldn't cope with a whole album of this shit without falling into some kind of hypnotic trance. Thankfully the Peas realise this and are smart enough not to use the same trick twice.
Rock That Body - 8.5/10
French DJ David Guetta joins will.i.am for production duties on this epic dance track and the result is surprisingly brilliant. In fact, you could be forgiven for mistaking "Rock That Body" for a Daft Punk song. That's not to say it's a rip off. The mash of electronic and trance elements has been done before but not within the context of urban music. I particularly love the sample of Lynn Collins' disco classic "Think (About It)" and can see this being a club smash.
Meet Me Halfway - 10/10
This is my equal favourite song on "The E.N.D." and I'm incredibly bitter that it's been wasted as one of three pre-album promotional singles along with "Imma Be" and "Alive". It's such a relief to have Fergie take over vocal duties after remaining very much in the background for the first two tracks. In fact, the holy Queen of urban pop takes a backseat for most of the album. You can still hear old methhead's stunning vocals on almost every track but she doesn't rule the microphone to the extent she has on past albums - a clear ploy to distinguish "The E.N.D." from "The Dutchess", which (let's face it) featured almost exactly the same line-up of producers and songwriters. It works in places but there's no denying the album lifts every time we hear that fergalicious voice and "Meet Me Halfway" is a perfect example. This glorious synth drenched, pure pop anthem channels Madonna and Stacey Q at the height of their mid-80s fabulousness. I really hope Fergie's next solo album sounds a little something like this.
Imma Be - 3/10
I can appreciate the skill displayed on this track. The production is slick and the rhymes are tight but I'm too gay, too old and way too white to sing along to lyrics like "Y'all niggers wanna talk shit"!
I Gotta Feeling - 10/10
David Guetta has been one of the world's hottest DJs for years but if "I Gotta Feeling" is anywhere near as huge as I think it's going to be, it's only a matter of time before he's an A-list producer as well. The second single from "The E.N.D." is quite simply the year's best party anthem. This is the perfect soundtrack for a big night out. "I Gotta Feeling" captures the moment of standing in front of the mirror on a Saturday night, flattening your asymmetrical haircut or undertaking some last minute manscaping. It's about the excitement of what's to come and the potential the night holds. This is uplifting, catchy and utterly joyous.
Alive - 9/10
This is another fantastic song that was rudely wasted as a promotional single. Will.i.am returns to the production desk for this gorgeous disco-soul-hip hop hybrid. As sunny and relaxed as a Sunday afternoon, "Alive" is an unexpected treat among all the club bangers and party anthems. This loses one point for a bit of vocoder overkill. Other than that, this breezy little gem is almost perfect.
Missing You - 8.5/10
Fergie pushes the pretenders aside to belt out the chorus on this winner. Produced by Printz Board (the man who crafted "Differently" for Cassie Davis), "Missing You" is a poptastic chorus wedged between electro verses and rap interludes. Like "Differently", it sounds like three different songs rolled into one but in this case it works.
Ring-A-Ling - 5/10
Despite being catchy in an incredibly annoying kind of way, "Ring-A-Ling" is a song in search of a melody. Think of this as an uptempo version of "Boom Boom Pow" without the killer rhymes. The production (courtesy of Keith Harris) is dazzling but as mum always says, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. However, this is perfectly acceptable as an album track.
Party All The Time - 8/10
Yet another effortlessly uplifting and catchy party anthem. And again it's Fergie's vocal that lifts this track to the next level. The almost industrial electro beats are sometimes overwhelming but I defy you not to move your feet. I love the trashy lyrics and Fergie sings the hell out of the chorus. This just makes you want to down a beer and throw your hands in the air. My favourite lyric is "I want to party like Ibiza, we don't need a visa" and when Fergie begs "take me to the club so we can dance". This distills every fun weekend you've every had and rolls them all into one song.
Out Of My Head - 8/10
Fergie's only real lead vocal is on a track about being pissed in a club. Classy! It took me a couple of listens to warm to the deep funk of "Out Of My Head" but I like it more every time I hear it. The brass is a nice surprise and the line where Fergie demands vodka and Red Bull is seriously fabulous. This sounds a little like Jamiroquai - if he were a cheap, drunken whore on the prowl for penis.
Electric City - 5/10
A slightly monotonous rap track with migraine inducing sound effects. I swear Fergie sings "pictures of my dick, no my dildo". If that's the case, I take it all back and give this 10/10.
Showdown - 6.5/10
Band member apl.de.ap is given production duties on "Showdown" and he does a good job. It's nice to actually hear a couple of real instruments and the dance-hip hop blend works well, particularly in the chorus. I just think this is missing the hook to take it to the next level but it's decent filler.
Now Generation - 6/10
This is the song I mentioned earlier about social networking sites. It's fun and suits the album's theme but the lyrics are pretty embarrassing given that Fergie & co are all staring down the barrel of middle age. "Now Generation" has potential but the production is underdone and again, it lacks a hook. Even Fergie's wicked chorus can't save it.
One Tribe - 7/10
After a string of uninspiring electro-rap numbers, the Peas redeem themselves on this world music flavoured call for peace. I love the "woahs" and the simple lyrics are inspiring without being preachy. Think of this as the upbeat cousin of their breakthrough smash "Where Is The Love". C'mon, let's catch amnesia!
Rockin' To The Beat - 6.5/10
This disco meets electro floorfiller is a blatant excuse to play around with different production techniques and technologies. It's fun but there's no meaning to or emotion behind it and the song ultimately brings nothing new to "The E.N.D.". That said it's a perfectly harmless conclusion to an otherwise fun album.
Bonus Disc
Where You Wanna Go - 8.5/10
I can't believe this catchy little tune didn't make the final cut! "Where You Wanna Go" has hit written all over it! Will.i.am's short bursts of rap cradle a remarkable pop-rock chorus that allows Fergie to show off her powerful pipes. This is definitely worth hunting down.
Simple Little Melody - 9/10
Boys Noize are a relatively unknown German production outfit but I wish the Peas had hired them to produce more than this solitary track. "Simple Little Melody" is a wicked cross between Eiffel 65 and Royksopp that wouldn't sound out of place on a 90s trance compilation. Well, the bits without the futuristic effects anyway! This delivers exactly what the title promises - a simple little melody that gets stuck in your head and refuses to budge. It's worth buying the Deluxe Edition of "The E.N.D." for this gem alone. As Fergie sings, this "equals BEP, bitch"!
Mare - 4/10
Unfortunately, this isn't about a horse. It's just another rape of an old A R Rahman song. Can the Indian craze please be over soon? I'm yet to hear anything decent come from it and that includes PCD's abysmal "Jai Ho".
Don't Bring Me Down - 7/10
Slightly reminiscent of "Pump It", this joyous little number borrows elements from 70s rock and soul. The rap verses are slightly boring but the feel good chorus is another winner. It's just not quite as polished as the other party anthems on the album.
That's The Joint - 2/10
An unnecessary jazz improv session that feels extremely out of place. "That's The Joint" really should be collecting dust on a studio shelf somewhere.
Another Weekend - 4.5/10
This boring and anonymous hip hop jam will only appeal to urban fans. Fergie's vocal is slinky and sexy but this goes nowhere fast.
Bonus Remixes - 7/10
The bonus disc also includes the following remixes of previous BEP hits. They're all fun but none of them improve on the original. That being said, they're nice to have in the collection and it's nice to get some value for money for a change.
Pump It Harder (a remix of "Pump It") Let's Get Re-Started (a remix of "Let's Get Retarded") Shut The Phunk Up (a remix of "Shut Up") Don't Phunk Around (a remix of "Don't Phunk With My Heart")
Michael Jackson is crying tears of joy in heaven tonight with news that his favourite sister is about to embark on the most anticipated comeback of the century. On Tuesday the 28th of July, La Toya will finally claim her rightful place at the forefront of popular music with the release of her first official US single in over a decade. "Home" is a touching ballad that perfectly showcases the stunning beauty of Toy Toy's voice. It's also a fitting tribute to Michael and will no doubt bring a lot of comfort to his army of mourning fans. It's official - iTunes is gonna get rocked!
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